


I Love My Split Ends

by fineinthemorning



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anorexia, Established Relationship, Futaba Cries, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Non-Chronological, Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Self-Deception, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-04-28 02:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14439987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning
Summary: Having never healed properly, Akechi's wounds fester until Ren is left to lick them clean on a daily basis, a repeated ritual that neither of them enjoy but neither of them can stop.





	1. idontwannabeyouanymore

**Author's Note:**

> Every chapter is based off of a song by Billie Eilish. Just practicing efficiency . . .  
> The song for this chapter may be heard [here.](https://youtu.be/WnUR3be5Ebk)

Some days were sweet songs that colored the sky green and the buildings gold. They were happy like they had been before the death and betrayal and nights spent whispering nightmares away. But, for the most part, the music that punctuated each day was but fractured, dissonant melodies that left the two of them desperate and separate no matter how many times they forced their bodies together. The colors muted, the weather wet, and the days slow, their relationship took precedence over everything else, so when his friends stopped calling and his job let him go and his grades began to fall, Ren was left with a losing hand. What he shared with Akechi Goro was the all-or-nothing gamble of his lifetime, but he told himself from the very beginning that giving up was what Goro expected, so he kept playing despite the odds. Being left behind was what Akechi Goro expected. Being hated, being discarded, being abandoned, was what Akechi Goro expected. Ren had to be the exception, so he placed his bets again and again always under the false hope that _this time for sure_ , he'd win.

Such stubbornness killed him slowly, his life falling apart at the seams every time he had to stitch his lover back together. He'd thought the first year would be the hardest. He'd thought after two years, for sure, Goro would find his footing. After the break, he'd thought that after three years he'd have someone at his side that could give just as much as he took.

Four years later and Akechi Goro hadn't seemed to change in Ren's eyes. Maybe the others would see a new man. The arrogance had been replaced with paranoia. The lies had been replaced with indifferent honesty. The fake smiles had been replaced with a stoic, blank stare. The passion that had fueled his insane revenge had dissipated into the flickering flame of a candle just before it was snuffed out.

Ren had already given so much to Goro that letting go now felt more painful than holding on. And so, here they were.

"Did you take your medication today?" Ren looked up from his textbook to see Goro tapping his pencil against a notebook, his knee bouncing apprehensively, unable to keep still.

"Yes, why are you asking?" he froze.

"No reason." Ren sighed and diverted his eyes back to his textbook. He knew.

"There's a reason," Goro insisted.

Ren closed his textbook, "Nothing gets past you, detective."

"You know I don't appreciate that," Goro said flatly, his eyes going cold and thin in an instant. He never appreciated Ren's humor anymore, though, arguably, it had taken an incredibly sardonic tone over the years.

Ren didn't say he was sorry. He wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't sorry or he just wasn't willing to admit that he did it on purpose. "You seem really antsy--anxious, actually."

"I saw someone on the train today." Akechi closed his notebook.

"Oh? Who?" Ren's eyes widened slightly, ever expressive in his surprise.

"Sakamoto." The name was said with as little emotion attached to it as possible, but Goro's twitching fingers gave him away as the pencil tapped against the cover of the notebook.

"Ryuji? Did you say hi?"

"Of course not," Goro dropped the pencil on the notebook and put the notebook on the table.

Ren's eyes followed his movements. "You should have," he said lightly, trying to sound encouraging.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

"You're the only one still living in the past," Ren purposefully looked at the floor.

"They all want me dead," Goro spoke plainly, as if the words he said were true.

"Nope, no one has ever said that," Ren stood up and sighed again, clearly ready to walk away from the conversation, clearly disappointed in the direction it had suddenly taken, clearly ready to call it quits. He'd had this talk with Goro at least a hundred times, but no amount of logic seemed to work with the mind Goro had been left with following his attempted suicide inside the cognitive ship of his now deceased father. He'd never recovered from his own change of heart that he claimed was _all Ren's fault_.

"That doesn't mean they aren't all thinking it."

"Did he see you?" Ren asked, still debating physically excluding himself from the conversation by merely leaving for the bedroom.

"I don't think so," Goro shrugged.

Ren's voice became a touch stern, "That's why he didn't approach you."

Goro didn't say anything, but he did gather his legs up on the couch, pulling his knees close to his chest and wrapping his arms around his shins.

"I'm going to ask you again. Did you take your medication today?" There were too many signs.

"No." Akechi told his chest, his head now tucked into his knees.

"Goro, we've been over this," the edge in Ren's voice grew sharper.

Goro lifted his head, but not to look anywhere in Ren's direction, "I miss who I used to be," he said slowly, his eyes empty.

"Goro . . ."

"I used to be able to make you smile," he told the table in front of him.

"Goro . . ."

"I don't want to be me anymore," he announced in the same tone one would report the weather.

"Please stop," Ren sat down on the couch beside him, leaning his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together to keep them from reaching for Goro and shaking him.

Akechi didn't move to accommodate his lover, and he still avoided his eyes "I should be dead,"

"I'm happy you're alive," was how Ren chose to respond to the phrase that came up at least weekly in their apartment.

"Don't lie," Akechi smiled sweetly, genuinely amused by Ren's stubbornness.

Silence followed, the quiet between them speaking the truth.

"I should be in jail," Akechi went on, indulging in the self-hatred that had become his only friend. He'd tried, back then, to turn himself in, but no matter what confession he offered, there had never been enough evidence to actually charge him for anything. And so, as a result, a homicidal maniac walked the streets of Tokyo completely unchecked--or, at least, a previously homicidal maniac; Akechi would argue now that only the latter half of such a title was still true today.

"I'm happy you're here with me," Ren tried.

"I've told you a million times: you're a terrible liar," Akechi finally looked over to the man beside him, but it took a second before Ren's eyes met his. When they did, they held his gaze.

"I love you," Ren used every bit of sincerity he could muster.

It still didn't seem to work. "Be honest," Akechi appeared unimpressed, his expression flat and unconvinced.

"I promised you--"

"Then let me be the one promise you break," Goro interrupted.

Ren looked away. "I can't," he admitted.

Feeling satisfied, Goro insisted, "You've lost everything because of me. Twice now."

"That's not true," Ren tried to console him but his voice cracked.

"It is," Goro nodded knowingly, standing up as if to signal that the conversation was over.

Ren didn't have the energy to fight.

"But when I'm gone, you can get it back easily, right?"

Ren leaned in, pulling Goro closer even as he pulled away. Kissing him before he could speak, Ren sank inside his favorite regret until their shared moans drowned out Goro's thoughts.


	2. hostage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song this is inspired by is [here.](https://youtu.be/p9sUkJry_XA) Thank you all for your kindness.

A year into their relationship they fed, still wild, violent, and as destructive as they had been from the beginning. Feeding off the flames that had lit them both on fire with a gunshot, a bloody mask, spilled coffee, and tension you could strike a match against, they consumed each other with the same insatiable hunger of an inferno.

Amamiya Ren's loving parasite, Goro Akechi, was always hiding his face in his chest, in his neck, against his back-- anywhere he could touch to avoid the eyes of the others. And, it worked.

The others didn't make him talk or apologize or relive his sin in any way, shape, or form, and so he never did. After he'd tried to take as much responsibility as possible through the law and he'd failed, he'd made no attempt to take responsibility otherwise. He never admitted to what mattered. He never spoke when it mattered. And, worst of all, Goro never apologized to who it mattered to.

Instead, he attempted to find his salvation in the boy he'd fallen in love with, the one who'd stolen his heart, the one who _promised_ he'd never leave him.

Ryuji, so excited to spend the evening with his friends that he was blushing, raised his bottle triumphantly, "A year ago today, we saved the world! To us, The Phantom Thieves! Kanpai!"

Akechi shouldn't have been there, but Ren had insisted; they were hardly seen apart anyway, so the others expected it.

Ryuji stood up and clinked his glass bottle against a few others and some cans before putting it to his lips and throwing it back.

After using the logic of ' _if we can kill a god, we can drink a beer_ ', Ryuji had called them together to the attic of Leblanc on Christmas Eve to reminisce and celebrate. Ren had returned to Tokyo shortly after leaving, but even though they all lived in Tokyo, they still rarely saw one another, especially altogether. Their union that night had been more than just an excuse to see each other, however; Ren had decided that he'd use the moment to make an announcement. A few games and several drinks in, he finally gathered the liquid courage to say it.

"I'm marrying Goro."

For a moment, no one said anything. Akechi, himself, went silent, still, his eyes wide with shock.

Futaba, who had opted out of any alcohol at all, burst out laughing first, holding her stomach as she fell over to her side from her seated position on the floor of the attic, "Now I know you're drunk!"

Ann and Ryuji took their cue from there and proceeded to do the same while Yusuke eyed Morgana and Haru and Makoto exchanged looks.

"I'm serious," Ren smiled, pulling Goro, who was already beside him, into his lap, "They're supposed to legalize it in Sapporo some time next summer." The former leader of the Phantom Thieves didn't even pause to gauge his lover's reaction.

Goro, still stunned, said nothing, the color now draining from his face as he let Ren handle him like a doll, his weight shifting wherever Ren willed with the evidence of just how much lighter he was than a year ago visible to everyone. He couldn't feel Makoto's eyes on him, which was for the best. He didn't notice how Morgana moved strategically to get a better view. He wouldn't have been able to catch Haru's passive jealousy if he looked; she was too good at hiding it. In fact, the only person who mattered appeared to miss his reaction entirely. Goro didn't understand the implications of marriage in relation to the word ' _family_ ' beyond the fact that it was the first step. The very idea scared him, horrified him even, but if it was what Ren wanted, then it would be what was best for Goro. Ren always knew what was best for him.

And that was why, as the atmosphere shifted and everyone seemed to sober up suddenly and Ren explained to his friends his plan for himself and Goro, Akechi remained silent. He belonged to Ren, anyway, so it didn't really matter how he felt about it, right? He had to trust that since Ren loved him, and, remember, Ren was the first person to truly love him, he would only make choices in his best interest.

* * *

"It's August," Goro turned the calendar page back to reveal the month of August and tacked it back onto the wall of the apartment they shared. With a bright, red marker, he crossed "x"s over the days in August that had already passed. They'd been living together now for five months, but Ren had been so busy and Goro had been so absent that neither of them were paying much attention to the passage of time.

"So it is."

"I thought you were going to marry me Amamiya Ren?" Goro asked, letting his head fall against the laminated paper of the calendar to feel the cool plastic touch his forehead. The fear had never left him, but it was worth bringing up; Ren was always deciding things for him, and Goro truly hated surprises.

"I've been busy, sorry." Ren set his textbook down and stood up, walking over to Goro and tugging on the belt loops of his pants to turn him around and pull him away from the wall. "you still want to?"

Goro let himself be moved, pulled suddenly into his lover's arms. "I never said ' _yes_ '," Goro's words, laced with venom, achieved their desired effect because Ren pushed him away almost immediately, his hands pressing Goro's shoulders against the wall, the back of Goro's head hitting the calendar with a flutter of pages.

"You're saying you won't?"

Red eyes were wide only a second from the violence, but Goro immediately found a home inside it, so instead he smirked, laughter bubbling up from within that he was sure would either win Ren over in an instant or land Akechi with a punishment that would surely sting for days to come.

"You love me," Ren, eyes half lidded, leaned in, his lips reaching for Goro's only to nip at his bottom lip once.

Literally tasting his victory, Goro admitted, "Of course."

"And I love you." Ren relaxed his grip, straightening but remaining close, even possessive, "So, what more do we need?"

Goro couldn't place meaning to Ren's words. He wasn't sure of what he was saying at all, so he neither denied or confirmed.

"Besides, I have other ways of marking you as mine," Ren vowed.

Akechi smiled; such promises was a language he understood. "Is that all it was?" Akechi pressed himself against the wall suggestively, submissively, bowing his head just enough for his bangs to fall in front of his face, "You know I prefer the less traditional methods."

"You're smiling," Ren's hands went to his hips, slipping beneath fabric to press nails into skin.

Of course he smiled; Goro preferred the familiar, so when the hands left his hips went to his throat or when a first met his face, he couldn't help but feel safe in the knowledge that he'd never be challenged with the unknown so long as he submitted to the wildfire of salvation. 

* * *

 

Silence or lies.

At first, their communication was no better than two people on either side of a prison wall speaking entirely two different languages. Such inadequacies left space for misconceptions, but if neither voiced displeasure, distrust, disgust, or discomfort, then nothing could be fixed. Nothing could be changed.

And nothing did change for quite some time.

Ren didn't like being violent with Goro. When his lover had first responded positively to some rough play in the bedroom, he'd never expected it would land them where they were now.

Goro would always shy away from Ren's affections, deflect his ' _I love you_ 's with ' _Are you sure?_ 's. He appeared delicate and broken when Ren would worship him, his lips on every inch of his body to praise his beauty and imperfections.

But when he'd bit him? A smile.

And when he'd verbally belittled him? A laugh.

Or when he'd hit him? A still, serene calm that made red pools glitter with adoration.

Ren didn't understand it, but he wanted Goro to be happy; he'd do anything to make him so.

Maybe it hurt.

Maybe the bruises he left with his tongue and hands made him feel dirty.

Maybe the words he yelled in Goro's face made him feel cruel.

Maybe the cuts he traced on Goro's skin made him feel sick.

He would endure it if it made Goro look at him with anything other than regret, despair, or fear.

And that was how, eventually, Ren had begun to play a part. He was the one in control. He was the one who would judge Goro. He was the one that would exact his punishment.

Everything fell to him, and Ren shouldered it because if there was any part of their relationship that he did understand, it was that Goro's trust in him was absolute. For all of the bullshit he would throw his way with meaningless questions of doubt or suspicion, Ren knew better than to believe them for a second.

Goro's faith in him was so unshakable, and his loyalty had no limits. Goro had already proved that he wouldn't even hesitate to die for him; what had Ren proven to him?

Goro looked up from his book, "What are you thinking about?" He was sitting beside Ren on the floor of their apartment, the comforter from their bed over their legs with their backs against the wall.

"I'm thinking about how I'd do anything for you," Ren's fingertips traced the purples of Akechi's neck.

"Anything?" Goro tried not to wince when Ren's fingers pressed into the blues of his left cheek.

"Yes," Ren whispered.

"No you wouldn't," Goro clipped, his eyes back on his book as if the conversation were over.

"I would," Ren pulled his lover's book away and Goro grunted.

"Well, I'm not going to ask you to," he said darkly, his words not matching his expression, a characteristic that appeared to be ingrained into his very identity.

"I'm glad," Ren said sadly.

Goro pushed him away, nearly physically knocking him over, "No, on second thought, you can prove your love to me by getting me some water."

"You have to pay the toll," Ren righted himself just in time to see Goro roll his eyes and sigh.

Ren reached out to move Goro's chin down, and carefully, he pressed his lips to his, compassionate, sweet and soft-- an intimate moment Ren only attempted to improve by moving both hands to cradle Goro's head gently.

When he pulled away, his eyes heavy with love, he noticed how Goro's eyes had widened slightly in fear, his lip quivering with anxiety while his hands gripped the book he'd been reading tight enough to turn his fingers white.

They'd been together more than a year, and Akechi still acted this way towards intimacy. He froze up every time Ren tried to be romantic, affectionate, or kind.

But fine.

He pressed a thumb once more into the blue bruise on Akechi's cheek. Akechi laughed, knocking his hand away as he shook his head to keep him away, eyes alight with mirth and amusement. His fear had dissipated immediately.

" _Anything._ "


	3. my boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration for his chapter can be heard [here](https://youtu.be/dVUmSgzgOqs).  
> I apologize in advance. This chapter isn't as atmospheric because the song is a bit more upbeat. Oh, and the title came from this song, too~! :D

Once Ren graduated, they found an apartment near his university in Shinjuku. Ren's acceptance into Waseda University, a private school with a low acceptance rate, had only inflamed Akechi's jealousy further, but he did his best not to let it show. Ren had worked for it, after all--even received a scholarship-- and, unlike Goro, he actually deserved it. So, when Goro found out, he smiled pretty and performed a congratulatory blow job while Ren told him about the life they'd have together.

Morgana left two months in.

Ren had expected it and was surprised even that he hadn't left sooner after they moved in together. He assumed it was the sex, but Morgana wasn't one to leave things unclear, so, being the loyal friend he was, he told him straight, "I can't watch the two of you kill each other anymore."

Ren's mistake.

He'd initiated the conversation with Futaba present. On rare occasion, he worked a shift at Leblanc more to clear his mind and feel nostalgic than anything else. They were the only three present, sure, but it was one person too many for just how personal the statement had been.

"That's fair," he said slowly, sure that the light from above hid his eyes from Futaba's frowning lips.

"What's that mean?" she asked, swiveling in her chair to face the cat directly.

Instead of speaking to her, Morgana directed his words at Ren, "What you and he have is unhealthy. He's sick."

"You can say his name," Ren held back a growl. It did not matter in the least how true the words were; he didn't want to hear them. They proved all of his insecurities to be true.

"Akechi needs help you can't give him," Morgana stood his ground, sitting upright on the bar.

Ren said nothing, his lips forming a line; his patience wasn't what it used to be.

Ren's mistake.

The silence left space for an unwanted second opinion. Futaba spoke up, her elbows on the bartop and her head in her hands, "I don't really understand the two of you, but I honestly expected more out of him."

"I agree," Morgana seconded.

"I didn't ask," Ren shrugged.

"You can't keep defending him," Morgana wouldn't drop it only because he cared.

"I'm not defending him." Ren chose that exact moment to turn his back to them to clean the coffee grinder.

"But you are."

"You always are," Futaba agreed.

Morgana stood up and walked closer to Futaba as if drawing a line in the sand, "Yourself, too. You can't keep _that_ up and you know it."

"I don't know what you're talking about." The edge in his voice proved the opposite.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You can't excuse your own behavior at this point. The two of you are going to literally destroy each other."

Ren went still and silent, shamed to his core and suffering for it but nowhere near ready to admit to it.

" . . . Ren, that sounds really bad. . . . Maybe the two of you should take a break or something. I mean, it's not up to you to--"

"I'm not giving up on him."

Stone to steel.

Futaba shut her mouth immediately, feeling as if she'd just been slapped in the face with the tone in his voice alone.

Morganga, however, sounded entirely unaffected, "No one's saying you need to, but maybe the two of you should consider--"

"I said I'm not giving up!" Ren turned on them, ferocity in his eyes no amount of glare could hide.

Futaba gasped with legitimate fear, her hands going up as if to shield herself from an attack in the Metaverse. Morgana tensed, ears sharp and forward with hind legs bent as if ready to pounce on Ren to defend her.

"I'm literally the only person he has, so I'm not giving up on him! I won't!"

Futaba's eyes widened in shock before her body tensed and trembled, water gathering to blur her vision. Ren had never raised his voice --not once-- in her presence.

"See?!" Morgana hissed. '--W _hat he's done to you!?_ ' didn't have to be verbalized for everyone to hear it ringing loud and clear in the silence.

"Why can't--" The words caught in his throat when he realized Futaba was crying. The additional shame choked him into silence. He removed his apron immediately, walking around the bar and going to Futaba to embrace her tightly right as the dam broke and her sobs rang through Leblanc just as loud as Morgana's truth. 

Ren took a breath and released it slowly, focusing on Futaba instead of his own selfish emotions. He used to be so much better at putting others before himself. What had happened? Why had he lost control?

"I'm sorry."

The girl's skinny arms wrapped around him tightly, pulling him so close that his chest muffled her sobs entirely.

"I'm sorry."

He still had the keys, but he hadn't been back to Leblanc since.

* * *

Verse 1

Ironically, their first couples therapy session was almost two years into their relationship landing on November 20th. Ren hoped that ' _the day Akechi tried to remove him from his life_ ' could instead be remembered as ' _the day Akechi tried to keep him_ _in his life_ '. Or something like that.

The therapist had insisted they hold the session together, but after only five minutes and four threats, the therapist insisted on instead speaking to them separately, asking Ren to wait outside in the lobby first.

"Tell me about him." She crossed her legs and smiled, her bleached blonde hair up in a tangled mess that fell around the frames of her rimless glasses.

Akechi sprawled out on the couch, opting in for _the real experience_ of seeing a shrink and avoiding eye-contact at the same time, "Look," he told the ceiling, "I want you to know something before we get into this."

"Okay?" the therapist held a pen in her right hand without anything within her reach to write on.

"I wasn't going to say it with him around because he'd just panic or something but basically, I'm a murderer." No, second thought, he wanted to make eye contact. Maybe he could see inside her like he'd been able to see inside his victims at one point in time: hate and fear and the slithering child born between the two just before death swallowed the three of them whole. He didn't miss that. Or did he? He sat up to see that she hadn't even blinked an eye. How boring. "I just wanted to be upfront about that, so you knew what you were dealing with."

She only smiled, "You are aware that patient confidentiality does not extend past cases in which you may be of harm to yourself and others?"

Akechi raised an eyebrow, not expecting her inadequate reaction, "Yes, but I've already gone to the police, so if you choose to divulge anything, it isn't something they haven't already heard." What a mess that had been, but hey-if she could convince them that he needed to be put away for life, then maybe they'd all win?

"I see . . ." She nodded, and Akechi was pretty sure he hated her now.

"If you're going to waste our time, we won't continue wasting our money," he snarled, his fangs present beneath a furled upper lip.

She only raised an eyebrow in return, "Fair enough?" She uncrossed and crossed her legs again, "Now, you were calling yourself a murderer?"

Akechi smirked, "Yes, but this isn't about that. I just wanted you to know." How long had the woman been practicing? She didn't look a day over thirty.

The therapist mirrored his expression, "Sure . . . we'll come back to it."

"If you insist."

A laugh escaped her and Akechi felt certain that nothing he'd say would phase her. Maybe he liked her after-all. He liked crazy, but he did hate unpredictable. Only Ren was allowed to be that. Or was he? Oh no, no, no of course. Ren was allowed to be whatever he wanted to be. "Let's try again. Tell me about Amamiya-san."

"A-ma-mi-ya Ren doesn't exist." Goro accentuated each syllable of his name.

"And what do you mean by that?"

Akechi blinked, his red eyes thoughtful before he straightened his back, crossed his legs, and put his hands on his knee, fingers interlaced, "He's a shapeshifter. A trickster." He played the crowd. They loved him. God, they loved him.

"Oh?" She bit.

"A liar." He clarified, pleased as the atmosphere of the room shifted entirely to something nostalgic and freeing. Flashing lights and signaled laughter and lightscameraaction.

"How so?"

"He's whatever you want him to be. He has no personality. You can just impose your own desires upon him and he reflects back what you want to see." His response was so matter-of-fact that he almost believed he didn't care.

"Could you give me an example?"

"No," he smiled brilliantly. Akechi hadn't committed to that much; she would have to work harder for that. Not even in the contract, jeeze.

"Okay, tell me what you love about him then."

"Ren needs me," Akechi replied thoughtfully, his hand to his chin.

"Oh?"

"Everyone worships him, but I know him," he clarified, his back stiff and straight.

"So you're not like everyone else?" her pen was on her lips.

"That's right," he replied with the same airy arrogance he had once paraded on TV.

"Who is ' _everyone else_ '?" she pressed the end of her pen to the side of her head, tilting into it as though it offered any kind of support.

Akechi was not impressed by her lacking professionalism. He leaned in to tell her a secret, "Oh, the friends he got rid of."

"Got rid of?" she leaned in just the same.

"Yeah, he cut them out of his life to make room for me. It's my fault," his smile didn't even falter a second. Shido would be proud. Not that it mattered. That guy was dead. Also, his opinion never mattered. Not even a little bit.

"Oh?"

"Everything is my fault." He reached for his briefcase but couldn't find it. Oh right, he'd stopped carrying it two years ago.

"Everything?" her eyes missed nothing.

"Yes, literally that," he sparkled.

"That's very egocentric of you," she sparkled back.

"What can I say? I'm important to him."

"I see."

"Akechi-san, your name is very familiar to me. Were you on TV before?"

"No." When she asked nothing after that, he replied again, "Yes. Yes, I was."

She smiled sweeter than the scent of the acrid air-freshner polluting the room, "Lying to your therapist is rather counterproductive. You're here to get your money's worth, right?"

Akechi posed, straightening his back, his teeth, and his attitude, "Detective Prince, Akechi Goro."

Her pen now in her nest of hair, she slapped her hands together at the revelation, "Oh, now I remember. Whatever happened to that?"

Goro frowned, "The leader of the Phantom Thieves stole my heart."

The therapist only nodded, her small, amused smile appearing far too casual for her position and title. "Thank you for your time. Could you bring Amamiya-san in?"

* * *

Verse 2 

"Now then, please tell me about Akechi-san."

Ren sat in the chair, leaning forward with his forearms on his thighs and his fingers restless. "If he told you he was a murderer, please ignore him."

The therapist blinked, "What was said is between Akechi-san and I for now."

"Well, if he said anything about, ah . . . shadows or personas or gods, just let it go. It's a long story, and it's really not why we're here."

" . . . " She appeared to be rewinding memories and reviewing unwritten notes in the space of the silence.

Ren didn't know what to say. He wasn't the best at initiating conversation or talking about . . . anything . . . at length--unless it was with Akechi, of course.

"Again, please tell me about Akechi-san," she uncrossed and crossed her legs again.

"Did he talk about his dad? Or his mom? He should really talk to someone about it."

"What was said is between Akechi-san and I for now," she repeated mechanically.

"If he told you that I don't love him or that I'm going to leave or give up on him, he's wrong."

She took the pen from her hair and clicked it against her thigh several times before saying, " . . . That's why you're both here after-all."

Ren nodded.

"Let's start over," she smiled, warmer than she'd ever been, "Tell me what you love about Akechi-san."

Ren could only replay moments in his mind.

"You can take your time," she waited.

Ren took a deep breath, filling his lungs with floral perfume, and then, he released it slowly, expelling the odious toxins irritating his nasal passages.

Akechi Goro.

Goro.

His boyfriend.

His lover.

His executioner.

His.

"He's passionate. And perceptive--thoughtful, I mean. He's intelligent and beautiful and complicated. Sometimes . . . he's sweet and kind, more kind than anyone I've ever met--sometimes. And, he would do anything for me. He values my opinion. I mean, he wants to know what I'm thinking and wants to be around me even if he isn't gaining anything from it. That doesn't sound right . . . I mean that he needs me. He needs me more than anyone else does and so I--"

"You love that he needs you?" she was smirking and Ren didn't like it.

He went quiet, visibly deflating at the question. He'd promised Sojiro, his only real parent, he would do this. It had been a long time coming.

Maybe, all this time, it hadn't been Akechi who wasn't ready for it but him.

"Amamiya-san?"

"Yes?"

"I lost you for a moment." She twirled her pen between her fingers, her expression one of concern.

"Sorry."

She waved it away, smiling again, less irritating this time, "You clearly appear to love Akechi-san."

Clearly appear? If it was clear, then why was she saying appear? Didn't that imply that it appeared to be one way but was actually another. Was she questioning his feelings?

"I do," Ren frowned. Did she doubt him?

"Tell me why the two of you decided to come in today."

"He didn't tell you?"

"I'd like to hear it from you," she dodged the question entirely.

"He--well--I think he needs someone to talk to other than me."

"So it's for him?"

"No, it's for our relationship, but-- Yes, it's for him."

"It's all about Akechi-san," she summarized.

Ren didn't say anything, analyzing her as he attempted to discern the meaning behind her words.

"Tell me, Amamiya-san, do the bruises you inflict on Akechi-san extend past his collar?"

Ren narrowed his eyes, his glare enough alone enough to frighten a shadow into submission.

"Thought so."

There were no shadows here.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume it's consensual?"

"Why not ask him?" Ren challenged.

The therapist stood up and dusted nothing off her skirt, "We're done here, Amamiya-san. Please bring Akechi-san back in."

* * *

From behind her desk, the therapist finally appeared serious, her face a mask as she spoke, "Well, reviewing your situation, I can say with absolute certainty that I can't help either of you, which follows that I can do nothing for your relationship, either."

"What?" Akechi crossed his arms, less surprised than he should have been.

Ren remained silent.

"Come back to me when you're _both_ ready for couples counseling. When you're ready to be honest, I'll be here. I'll _even_ give you the Phantom Thieves discount," her smile returned.

"What?" Akechi repeated.

"I made it up just for you!" she laughed before stopping short, "Now get out of my office."

They stood together, but, where Ren turned to leave, Akechi walked up to her desk, his pretty smile accented with a wink, "I hope you trip over a knife."

"Goro," Ren chided.

Akechi turned abruptly away and hurried out of the office to catch up to his lover, "You said she was recommended by who?" His face wrinkled in disgust.

"' _I hope you trip over a knife_ '?" Ren smiled, genuinely amused, "Not very clever."

"I was never clever," Goro huffed.

Ren rolled his eyes and shook his head, taking Goro's hand in his as they waited for the elevator, "That's not true." He turned to look at him, smirking, "You must have been the dishonest one."

Goro's cheeks took on a quiet shade of pink and he looked away, "Ah, you always see what you want to see." They stepped into the empty elevator, their hands refusing to let go, "Well, we tried. You can report back to Sakura-san tomorrow."

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~I really debated the last part, but I've been drinking, so I was like, 'fuck it' and 'let the boy be bad'. I just also adore that part of the song.~~  
>  Also, damn Tae, who you hang with?  
> Also, I don't condone physical abuse. T- T It's not ok.


	4. party favor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More trash for you inspired by [this song.](https://youtu.be/tGHTOVw6F4Q)  
>  ~~So, this song became impossible not to sing along to, so I had to find an acoustic version to write to. T-T~~

What a beautiful song and dance they'd come to know. A catchy little earworm that burrowed inside their minds to ensure that the song played on repeat and never seemed to die. They broke up, kissed, and made up, and every time it was just enough, enough, enough, to keep them dancing all the while.

More fights than Ryogoku and more screams than Fuji Q, the relationship that had surpassed every bet to those who knew them was still sticky sweet and strong in the melody of a song that you could hum while waiting for the train or holding your lover's hand or indulging in the victory that, for once, everything had gone according to plan.

In the rain, he ran, knowing full well he'd messed up again. He'd apologize and by forgiven. He'd wake up tomorrow the same man. And, no matter what he'd done in the last month or the last year, Ren would ignore it all in favor of taking him back in.

Ren had learned all of the steps to the song Goro had written, and regardless of who was singing, they had no problem hearing it again and again.

A catchy little earworm. A parasite with horns. When he had his hooks in you, the chorus would prove everything else mute. Crying eyes and napalm skies and seven flights up with a picture perfect disguise.

 

"Akechi?" Sae, in her black, silk pajamas with her hair down hanging past her shoulders, opened the door to see the drowned rat smiling at her with a bottle of wine in one hand and a ukulele in the other.

"We had a fight," was the only information he offered.

"It's been a while," she blinked, tilting her head slightly to get a better view of his face.

"Yes," he agreed.

Her tone went curious, "Is that a ukulele?"

"It is."

She gave a half-smile and shook her head as she opened the door all of the way and stepped aside, "Come in."

If it was one thing they shared, it was that they were both lonely people. While Sae did have Makoto and Akechi did have Ren, neither of them actually had friends. Both of them were on the outside looking in. Neither of them truly belonged to any one group, and, after they'd actually bonded about two years after the mess that had been 2016, they were something like friends. Maybe such a title didn't fit for their relationship, but it was the closest one, so while Sae had no problem using it, Goro just did his best not to argue.

He took off his shoes, handed Sae the wine, and went to the bathroom without word, peeling off his jacket and hanging it up without feeling the need to ask permission. When he came out, Sae threw him a towel, and he followed her into the main room of the apartment.

"Sae-san?" he finally broke the silence.

"Hmm?" She was opening the wine bottle.

"I'm sorry," he said awkwardly, setting the instrument on the coffee table.

"I'm not," she replied, used to his behavior by now. "There's some natto in the fridge." The sound of the cork popping from the bottle signaled to Goro that he'd at least gotten one she liked this time.

"Gross," he replied to the natto offer.

"You used to eat it," she pointed out, pouring herself and Akechi a glass of red wine.

Goro shrugged, "I used to do a lot of things . . . for appearances."

"Well, it's good for you, so you should eat it," she handed him the a glass.

Goro took it, equally neutral as he admitted, "Sometimes I wonder if you're _trying_ to sound like an old man." He didn't bring the glass to his lips, however, and set it down on the counter before turning to the fridge.

Sae smirked,"I didn't let you in so you could insult me."

Goro ignored the comment and opened the fridge, moving things about in search of something he'd actually be interested in eating, "Don't you have anything else in here? Oh, vegetable juice." He took out the carton with a grin, opened it, and put it to his lips.

"You had better not-- out of the carton? Really?" She took the wine and her glass into the living room after giving him one of her signature glares. "Sometimes I miss the charming Akechi," she complained.

"Ah," he closed the carton and the fridge, opting to take both the wine and the juice into the living room after her, "You and me both." He added, "And maybe everyone, actually."

Sae had already cozied up with a blanket around her and a remote in her hand in the corner of the couch she always sat on, "I didn't let you in so I could listen to you insult yourself, either."

"You're right as always, Sae-san," he winked. "What are you watching?"

"Terrace House."

"You watch that crap?" Their relationship had gotten far more comfortable than he'd ever thought possible.

"You know what it is?" she accused knowingly.

He let out a chuckle, knowing he had been caught, "Okay, we watch that crap, too."

"Come sit down and at least finish the juice now that you've tainted it with your backwash."

"Yes, Ma'm."

"You will _not_ make me feel old this evening, Akechi," she growled.

It had only been two episodes in before something in the show had triggered a memory and Akechi became a quivering mess, eyes wet with tears as he held the juice carton possessively.

Sae, knowing all too well that this moment would come eventually, as it always did, paused the show and turned on the couch to face him. "What was it this time?"

Goro sniffled. She'd seen him nearly dead, so seeing him in tears was nothing he needed to hide, "I planned a surprise party for him. I invited his friends-- the thieves and a few people from his school."

She tried to be encouraging, "I'm impressed. That sounds like a huge step. What was the problem?"

Goro finished the juice but didn't bother putting the carton away, "He accused me of putting him first, and then it just spiraled out of control from there. We both yelled a lot and brought up things that maybe . . . we thought had already been resolved."

"Did he--"

"Don't even ask that," Akechi said quickly-- not angry, just tired, "He hasn't hit me at all since we got back together, and he never wanted to, anyway. That was all my fault."

Sae didn't bother saying that _fault_ had nothing to do with it; she'd said it too many times before.

"So how did it end?" she tried.

Goro pressed his thumbs into the carton and it crumpled easily in his grip, "I was stupid. I said something ridiculous and Ren, he just, he broke. I got scared and I left."

"What do you mean he broke?" she was still holding her wine glass, but she hand't taken a sip yet since he'd started crying.

"He was crying," Goro shook again with new tears, pouring freely though heavy with guilt, "He collapsed."

"And you left him there?" Sae asked.

"I couldn't . . . handle it," he sobbed.

Sae hid her concern and kept her tone neutral, "Have you spoken to him since? Is he alone?"

Akechi shrugged.

Sae said nothing.

Eventually, the tears subsided and Akechi looked a decade older. "I wanted to change for him."

"Akechi," she started.

"But I never did. And I won't, either. The second something comes up, everything comes crashing down all over again like I'd never overcome it before. I'm going to be this way the rest of my life. I should really just end it. He could finally be free and things would be easier for him. Just looking at it logically, it makes so much sense. I mean, why not continue the pattern? Aren't I just fated for it? My mother? Then my father? If I ended it now, maybe it wouldn't extend to Ren?"

Her voice went stern, "You're better than them, Akechi."

"What?"

"Than your father or your mother," she clarified.

"Why?"

"You have what they don't," she said simply.

Akechi let the words sink in as he mentally compiled a list of what she might of meant rather than ask her directly.

"You're seriously ready to end your relationship with Ren?"

"Yes," he said too quickly.

"You're ready to die?"

"I am," he said too eagerly.

"Wait here," she set her wine down on the coffee table and got up to head in the direction of her bedroom.

"If you're calling a hospital or some bullshit, I'm going to haunt the fuck out of you," Akechi threatened from his position on the couch.

"You're not worth that much trouble," Sae called back from her bedroom a little too too pleasant in her tone.

"That's fair," Goro stared at the carton in his hands, lamenting its emptiness.

When Sae returned, she held a small, red notebook in her hand. Smug, she re-situated herself on the couch, took a long sip of wine, set her glass down, and opened the notebook.

"What's that?" Goro asked, finally accepting the death of the juice carton and leaving it on the coffee table beside his empty wine glass and ukulele.

"A collection," she replied.

"Of what?"

She cleared her throat, obviously for show, and read aloud as if reading off the title of some historic epic, "Akechi Goro's Pathetic Love Life: Quotes to Make You Vomit in Your Mouth a Little."

"Fuck you."

Well, he'd certainly stopped crying.

She smiled genuinely, "The only person you listen to is yourself, so I figured I would just use your words against you."

"You're such a prosecutor."

"Asshole," she glared, "I've been a defense lawyer for three years now."

"Right. I forgot," Akechi rolled his eyes. He hadn't, but he needed the jab.

"'He's everywhere," she began, "Inside everything that's beautiful. No, he's what makes everything beautiful. I never appreciated the light through the leaves of the trees before or the way the Earth smells after a summer rain. I never stopped to consider that everyone you meet has the potential to change your life or vice-versa. I never appreciated empty train cars at night. I never appreciated the taste of a meal shared with others. I never appreciated life until I met him. He taught me to see the beauty in the world, so now, everywhere I recognize beauty, I see him."

Goro forgot how to form words.

Sae grinned knowingly, "Oh, there's so much more. I'll keep going."

"W-wh-wh-"

"I never cared about 'happiness'. I never had it, not long enough to desire it anyway, so I never wanted it, never strived for it. Surviving was all I needed, but then Ren changed everything. I'd never wanted my own happiness, but, after meeting him, I suddenly needed it both for myself and for him. It wasn't until I'd died that I realized that, at least to me, his meant so much more to me than my own."

"Please, please stop." Akechi's face was covered completely with his hands, but they didn't hide how red his ears were.

"Akechi, there are at least thirty pages here."

"Your memory is insane."

"I mean, they're not word-for-word, of course, but they're as close as possible. It's part of my job to analyze the words of others in the moment." She shrugged. "Anyway, it's working, right?"

Goro turned into the couch, his vice muffled as he tried to become one with it entirely by pressing his face against the cushions, "I think I'll die of embarrassment before I even manage suicide."

"That's the spirit." She smirked, turned the page, and began again, "He mentioned wanting to marry me once." She looked up from the book at Akechi, "I think you asked me about marriage here, and I just told you I was married to my job."

"I remember that," his voice was still muffled as he melted further into the couch, "I think I called you an old man then, too."

"If I recall, you did just that." She took another sip of wine and went on, "I'd been scared plenty of times in my life, but when he'd said that, I'd felt like the apocalypse was on the horizon and all I could do was wait for it. Looking back now, it was just another sign of how much I loved him. You know I've never had much of a family. Marrying Ren would have been committing to being a part of a family with him. I didn't want to ruin something like that for him. Even back then, when I'd been so immature and confused, I only wanted his happiness. Now, I wish he'd ask me again. I can't imagine anything better than making him happy for the rest of my life."

"Please stop. I get it. I concede. You win."

"You can be so sweet sometimes," she sounded surprised. Apparently she had not actually read over the entries since she had recorded them.

"I'm just going to pretend you didn't just say that," Goro replied flatly.

"Have you come to your senses?" she asked.

"Yes," he peeled away from the couch but kept his head bowed; he still couldn't manage to look at her.

"Good."

He turned back in the couch to face the TV, his flushed face visible though he refused to look in her direction, " . . . Thank you, Sae-san."

"Don't mention it," she replied, putting the notebook on the coffee table.

Akechi stared at the tiny thing, debating whether to snatch it up and burn it or not. "You're an amazing woman." Maybe it was better that she possessed such a wapon to use against his illogical thoughts.

"I'm glad you finally mean that."

"I honestly do."

* * *

When his phone rang, he soundlessly showed Sae who was calling before she shooed him into her bedroom for privacy.

When he hit the screen to accept the call, he put the phone to his ear and waited, saying nothing but listening still for any sign of life on the other end of the line.

Ren, in a voice more hoarse than usual, finally spoke, "Hey."

"Hey," Goro mimicked.

"You with Sae?"

Goro nodded before realizing Ren couldn't see him. "Yes," he corrected himself. "Are you okay?"

"I am."

"Are you alone?"

"It's just me and Kokoro-chan."

Goro gave a pained smiled. Ren had gotten him a plush heart for his last birthday, handing it to him along with some silly pun. Goro had chided him for how ridiculous it was, but it was now a permanent fixture in their living room that they both used daily as a pillow, and maybe, more often than not, referred to as though it were sentient.

"I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm sorry," the guilt came crashing back. He suddenly couldn't remember a single time in which he'd actually felt adequate.

"I needed to clear my head. If you had stayed, things would have just gotten worse. Besides, I understood. We've been together four and a half years now. I can practically read your thoughts." Ren's voice grew lighter, and it helped.

Hopeful, Goro asked, "Except you're calling now because you want the whole story?"

"I see you can already read mine."

Goro blushed, staring at the carpet in Sae's bedroom as he attempted to share, "Saku-- Futaba called me. She said that Sa-Sojiro was concerned for you. She told me your grades were slipping. She told me you might lose your scholarship."

"It's not up to you to put my life back together," Ren tried to follow Goro's line of thought.

"But it is!" Akechi stood up, suddenly passionate, "I mean, I'm the one who made it all fall apart, right?"

"Goro, you can't just--" Red stopped short.

Goro waited.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

Goro grew nervous, "No, what were you going to say?" He sat back down on the bed, anxious. He could hear Ren take a deep breath and release it slowly, so he waited.

Finally, Ren's voice said, "Explain it to me."

"Yes, ok . . ." Goro hadn't expected Ren's patience; it had been worn so thin over the years, "You . . . What has always made you strong and . . different from me . . is your ability to form strong bonds with others. I still believe that they could try giving a little more than they take from you, which I realize is quite hypocritical of me to say, but I digress. I thought that if you could reignite your friendships with the others, you could be happy again. You could have the support you needed that I can't provide you. Maybe you'd be happier . . . more balanced . . . and you'd be able to focus on what was important again.

"I--"

"I'm not done," he cut Ren off, tone sharp.

Silence grew and festered between them.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"Don't apologize. Please continue." Ren said from the other end of the line.

Goro could see him shaking his head in his mind. He smiled at the mental image. Ren was already trying to be supportive, even when Goro was so convinced that he, himself, was the one at fault, "You have . . . hopes and dreams . . . and I-I'm not . . . well enough to support you in them. I was just . . . trying to bring the people back who are."

The long pause that followed was likely a combination of two things: Ren making sure Goro was done speaking and Ren making sure that whatever he said next was the _right thing_ to say, " . . . I'm sorry for getting upset."

"It's nothing. Honestly, I deserved it. What you said--"

"Goro, you're doing it again," Ren cut him off, somehow both amused and patronizing.

"Oh. . . . You're right," Goro sighed and thought over his next words before saying them, "I-thank you for apologizing. I was scared that I'd hurt you."

Ren spoke from his heart, "I misunderstood. Please follow through with the party. I would be . . . happy if you were there, but I won't force you to stay. Do what you're comfortable with."

"Right," Goro agreed, doing his best to hide how relieved he was concerning the party. He'd put a lot into it, and the others had been really excited to make it happen.

Ren went on, "I'm grateful that I . . . What I mean to say is, 'I love you.'"

"I love you, too," Goro replied easily. He'd learned how to speak more honestly. It had taken years, but he had gotten much better at it in the last six months especially. "Happy birthday, by the way."

"Thank you. Are you coming home?" he sounded hopeful.

Goro bit his lip, a bit nervous before finally saying, ". . . Not tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"Can I see you before the party?" Ren tried.

Goro understood, closing his eyes so that his lashes touched his cheeks, smiling at no one, "Sure. I'll meet you at the cafe you like on campus immediately after your _Human Rights_ class."

Ren chuckled, "Of course. I get it; I'll be sure to go to class."

"I love you," Goro said again.

"I love you, too." After a beat, Ren added, "I'm glad I have someone like you thinking of me."

Goro scoffed, "If you say so."

"I mean it," Ren insisted.

"I know you do. I love you, Ren."

"It's obvious."

Goro blushed, frustrated that Ren's cockiness would never get old, "Ugh, go to sleep."

"Sweet dreams, honey."

"You too."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He moved to end the call when he remembered something, "Wait!"

"Yes?"

Relief flooded him when he heard Ren was still there. Sheepishly, he admitted, "I got ahead of you on Terrace House. I'm sorry." He really was rather apologetic.

"You're watching it with Sae-san?"

Akechi could hear him chuckle; the sound through the phone made it easy to picture Ren's smile in his mind.

"Yes."

"I'm jealous."

"You should be," Goro teased, knowing full well from Ren's tone that he was just fine with it, "She even lets me drink vegetable juice out of the carton."

"That is such a lie," Ren laughed.

The sound made Akechi smile, "You know her too well."

"Or you," Ren argued.

Goro smiled as he threaded a finger in his hair, twirling it around until it curled around the digit tight before unraveling. "Say goodnight to Kokoro-chan for me."

"Of course."

"I love you," he reminded him.

"I love you, too, Goro," Ren replied.

Goro didn't have to see his face to know that he was smiling. "Goodnight."

"Night."

Goro set down his phone on Sae's bed and brought his knees in to his chest. Without knowing the exact reason why, he wept.

Some time later, a voice roused him from his thoughts.

"Better?" Sae stood in the doorway to her bedroom, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed.

"Yes." Goro turned to her, eyes red and cheeks wet. He nodded his head and wiped away at the physical evidence of the depth of his feelings.

Sae moved back into the living room and Goro followed after her, politely closing the bedroom door behind him. They situated themselves on either side of the couch once more, and it took a moment before Goro realized the TV was off. He looked over to his host to see her watching him expectantly.

"Are you going to play the ukulele for me or not?" she asked, smiling and perhaps a little drunk.

"Sure." He leaned forward to pick it up off of the coffee table, moving into a more comfortable position so that he could play.

"You really learned to play?" She sounded surprised.

Goro shrugged, "It's really not hard; it's just the ukulele. Besides, I should start being more productive . . ." He strummed a few strings before pulling a few of the wires taut.

"By learning to play the ukulele?" She was mocking him.

Goro could handle her teasing, however, so he only smiled and reminisced, "Ren got it for me on a whim from the second-hand store in Yongenjaya."

She mirrored his smile. He imagined it was something stupid she might write in that ridiculous notebook of hers, which, he noticed, was now missing from the coffee table.

He hated talking about it, but in an effort to change, he elaborated, "I never finished school. I never started a career. I've just been living off of Shido's dirty money all of this time . . . I'm just . . . trying to make an effort."

"You've changed a lot in the last six months," she said seriously.

"For the better?" he raised an eyebrow. He wanted the praise and therefore fished for it shamelessly.

"You know you have," but she wasn't one to hand it out as easily as Ren did.

"Thanks."

"So, the ukulele?" she gestured to the instrument.

"Right." And he began to play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kokoro-chan](https://iheartguts.com/products/super-big-big-heart) and [vegetable juice](http://www.kagome.hk/en/category/mixed-juice).  
>  Th . . . that was almost fluffy? /shocku  
>  ~~Also, minus Hawaii, I adore TH! T-T It was a placeholder, but for the final draft, I couldn't think of anything else to put in its place. /shrug #yuudaiandamideserveeachother~~  
>  Also, this weird friendship between Sae and Goro somewhat explains itself later.  
> OMG, talking too much, but a word . . . hmm, how to say . . . Suicide is a heavy topic in this fic, and if Goro seems to not take it seriously, its honestly not coming from a place in which he isn't. Sometimes, these emotions or thoughts, rather, can seem inescapable and, as a result, end up as a normal default in one's mind, so I'm just trying to emphasize that here. It will get worse in subsequent chapters, so if this was triggering, please don't continue.


	5. Fingers Crossed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is [here](https://youtu.be/FBfGFGTsKZw).  
>  ~~Forgive me; this will feel over the top and a bit ooc, but, thinking about their relationship to this point, it was a long time coming. Also, this story is out of order; please see end notes.~~

A steady heartbeat choked to a stop, fluttering first before freezing still-- their relationship ended in the same way. Ren put a stop to it because too much destruction had been done in his name, and despite what they had survived together, he'd begun to wonder how many more times he'd come away from a kiss with death with breath left in his lunges. A normal relationship wouldn't be marked with betrayal, or blood, or abuse. A normal relationship wouldn't be kept alive on a life-support of lies and sex and manipulation. They'd both long sense recognized that nothing about their relationship could be identified as normal.

Ren tried to stay quiet about what had happened with the speech he'd written as his final for his second semester in university, but truly, the defeat and betrayal had proved devastating. He thought that he'd made a friend in the person he’d met in his Communications course, which he likened to something new and hopeful and made him nostalgic for ramen shops and trips to Akiba and Inokashira Park. But after the guy had plagiarized his speech, he'd realized his ulterior motives.

He shouldn't have told Akechi about it.

He should have known he'd act out in the name of revenge.

Because if there was one thing he had learned in the two and a half years they’d been together, it was that Akechi _hadn’t_.

He hadn’t learned what he’d needed to back then. He felt guilt over what he’d done. He felt regret from his actions, but nothing kept him from seeking revenge in other situations in other ways with other people.

When Ren had seen his classmate's face during the campus news that played on the TV of the cafe he frequented on school grounds, he knew immediately what had happened. Ren knew better than to avoid the truth in regard to how far Goro would go for him. A part of him wished it still left him feeling revered.

 

"What are you talking about?" He’d been reading on the couch when Ren had finally gotten home that night, confronting him about the arrest as soon as he’d walked through their front door.

Ren stood a considerable distance from him on the other side of their living room, clearly for his own sake. He had to keep himself from lashing out and meaning it this time. It would mean crossing the very thin line between the desires he fulfilled for the man he loved and, put simply, domestic violence. "I tell you someone wronged me, and a week later they end up in jail? It's not a coincidence,” he grit his teeth, his anger bubbling just beneath the calm waters that typically surfaced on his face. “I checked the phone logs. You were there that night."

"What?" Goro dropped his book to the floor and sat up suddenly. Nevermind if the accusation were true or not; Ren trusted him so little that he checked the phone logs for location data?

"How could you do something like that? His whole life is ruined.” Ren took a step forward, raising this voice this time, his hands in fists. Goro couldn't have been upset over the accusation; he was just upset that he'd been caught.

"And so what if it is?" Goro frowned, facing him and crossing his arms, "He wasn't worth anything anyway!" Rather condescendingly, he added, "How could you even associate with someone like that? He is complete trash! I barely did anything; he was ready to rape her without my help!"

"What?" Ren's eyes went wide in disbelief, "What is wrong with you?!" The phrasing was all wrong, but Ren couldn't find it in himself to care about Goro's feelings; clearly he didn't care about his.

"Oh my god, Ren, calm down. She was paid. She knew exactly what was going on. It wasn't like that! I even intervened before anything really happened; he was too drunk to testify otherwise, anyway." Akechi had the audacity to roll his eyes as if explaining his way out of a forgotten chore or a missed lunch date.

And with that, Ren snapped.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Was it possible to be too comfortable in a relationship?

"You are sick!"

Too close to someone?

"You sent an innocent person to jail!"

Too infatuated with an idea?

"You ruined his life!"

Too forgiving of a love gone mad?

"Over what? A college essay?!"

Too scared to move on?

"Your essay! That he stole from you!" Goro cried back as Ren stepped closer to him. He hoped he grabbed him. He hoped he touched him. He didn't care if it was a caress or a slap; he just needed him to be physical with him. They build their relationship on being physical. It thrived on that attraction. Goro was too scared to initiate it himself; Ren rarely ever raised his voice.

"That's not okay," he said coolly, his fingers, stretched thinner than his patience, straightened long and tight before he curled them into fists once more.

Goro glared at his hands before sending the same stare into his lover’s eyes. He hated the restraint. If Ren really was as upset as he appeared to be, then wouldn't it make their physical attraction even more acute? He craved his hands on him, whatever they were doing didn't matter. What would he have to do? To say?

"Oh, so it was better to just sit there and do nothing?! What happened, _Joker_? Where was your justice?" he spat, eyes wild and hungry for Ren's reaction. "If he didn't learn his lesson it would have just been you again or someone else," he said darkly, pausing a moment to watch the reality sink in behind his lover's eyes before he raised his voice again, "He never would have learned that what he did was wrong!"

Ren shook his head slowly, still refusing to act on his impulses, "I was going to handle it. I just hadn't decided how to yet."

At that, Goro laughed, ugly and wild and desperate for contact. He didn't care how Ren felt about him in that moment so long as his attention belonged to him alone, so long as he could initiate anything in which they came together flesh to flesh, "What do you mean you hadn't decided how?! You didn't even have the backbone to come forward to admit it was yours! Everything online is fucking time-stamped. You could have proven it easily to your professor!"

Ren, however, grew more cold the louder Goro became. With an air of finality, he said evenly, "Goro, regardless of what I did or didn't do, what you've done is wrong."

And their eyes met, and neither spoke, and the air stilled with a stalemate in the game.

Angry now, only because he hadn't gotten what he wanted, Goro broke the silence just to continue the argument, "I don't see how taking out the trash is wrong!"

Ren had had enough. He lifted a hand only to will it back down again, his disappointment in his lover fueling his rage, "Plagiarizing a paper and framing someone for rape are not the same thing! They're not the same!" His eyes began to brim with tears in frustration. Goro had not done anything this bad since then. Nothing since then. Ren had been so foolish to think it was over. As long as Goro held onto his desires, he would do anything in their name.

"He deserved it for what he did to you!"

Ren realized it was in no way different.

"Your fucking justice doesn't make any sense! Something like this-- you're acting like your father!"

Ren watched the color drain completely from Goro's face.

They both went very still, only, Ren still appeared to be breathing; he couldn't bring himself to regret his words even as he watched Goro begin to break, his eyes reminding him of the cognition he’d seen too long ago.

"Tell me you don't mean that," Goro managed the breath of a dying man.

Ren refused to give up; Goro needed to see the error in his ways and stealing a heart wasn't an option in this case. "I do mean that. I can't believe you did something like this. It's  . . . it's _worse_ than what he did to me. Worse, you did it in _my name_ . You framed someone for _rape_ over something so small in-- _My. Fucking. Name."_ Goro shook his head, the rest of his body still completely still aside from his muscles tensing all over. Ren felt his cheeks grow wet, but he couldn’t even place why he felt the need to cry. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d cried. No wait, that had been Goro, too. "Did you think I would actually want something like this! Did you think I would be happy?"

"You weren't supposed to find out,” he replied listlessly, eyes empty.

Shock didn’t belong two and a half years into their relationship. "I can't do this anymore."

Goro would never understand.

Never.

"What?"

"I'm done."

Goro couldn’t feel his legs. "What do you mean by that? What are you saying?"

Once the words had come out, Ren felt committed, and that commitment, in that moment, felt so incredibly freeing. “Why did I think you would change?” Ren smiled bitterly as tears fell from his eyes, “Why have I ever forgiven you?”

“But you said--” Goro choked.

“You murdered people!” Ren snapped, “You’re a sociopath!" He never cried; Goro made him someone else--weak, disgusting, and twisted. "You turned me into a monster-- just like you! Just like _you_ ! I’m done! I quit! I can’t do _those things_ anymore! And I can’t ignore what you are. I can’t believe you betrayed my trust like this!" He couldn't even look at Goro anymore, knowing full well what his words were likely doing to his psyche. "I thought-I thought you’d changed, but you’re doing the same thing as him. You’re resorting to violence to solve your problems, and you don’t even care what happens. You don’t care.” Ren’s left hand covered his eyes, unable to even look at Goro anymore. He couldn’t be weak; he couldn’t back down. He punctuated the end of their relationship with words he wasn’t even sure he meant, but regardless, he couldn’t let Goro manipulate him back into his arms.

Goro tried speaking only to realize his words had disappeared.

“I’m done.” Ren looked away, turned away, walked away.

Left behind, Goro collapsed.

While Ren packed his clothes, Goro didn’t stop him. He didn’t move or cry. He was on the floor of the living room, just listening, and after only ten minutes later, Ren disappeared and he’d taken Goro’s will to live with him.

* * *

From here he could see the sock he'd thought he'd lost just waiting there under the couch. Nothing about the sock was special except for the fact that it had gone missing. Resembling no unique history, it couldn't even bring to mind a particular memory. It didn't remind Goro of the time that Ren had fallen asleep on the train home from work his third year in high school only to wake at the end of the line to call Goro and animatedly exclaim that he'd ' _unlocked a new achievement'_ for Tokyo. It didn't remind Goro of the one and only time that Ren had gotten so drunk at a party that Goro had had to come and retrieve him, resulting in outing him to the entirety of his Intro to Psychology class as Ren drunkenly began to list all of the reasons he loved his boyfriend, Goro. It didn't remind Goro of the time they had spent the whole night in a karaoke room after missing the last train, singing love songs to each other until they were both hoarse and couldn't speak the next day.  It didn't remind Goro of the time that Ren had told him he couldn't imagine a life without him as they looked out the window of a tower that offered a view of Tokyo's diamond skyline.

It was just a sock, after all.

Nothing about the sock was special except for the fact that it had gone missing.

Ren wasn't there anymore; he'd left, and Goro had processed that much.

But, to him, it didn't matter where Ren was--not really.

Ren existed in his mind. Perhaps, he'd always existed there.

He was every good memory.

He was every ' _I love you_ '.

He was every smile.

Goro didn't know what was good in the world that existed separate from Ren; truthfully, he'd realized at some point that nothing was.

Nothing.

That's what life was without Ren. It didn't really exist.

Maybe that was why he felt like he no longer existed. He quieted his racing heart with thoughts of ' _for the best_ ' and ' _as it should be_ ' and ' _for the greater good_ '. Whatever words or phrases that gave him permission to disappear, too, he latched onto. There was nothing better than having your death validated.

He reviewed, in the safety of his mind, all of the people that would rejoice at the news of his death. He listed them off one by one until he lost count, until he started repeating their names, and until, finally, he came to the conclusion that it wasn't the people that would be better off without him, but the world.

The whole world would rejoice at his death. There'd be celebrations in the streets. There'd be toasts over feasts. People would sing and dance and recount all of the terrible things he'd done and tell their children about the glorious world they'd grow up in now that it was free from Akechi Goro.

Goro would never see it.

That was okay; it was nice to think that, for once, he'd be the catalyst for something good.

All he had to do now was die.

That wouldn't take too long; he'd already lost time. Life would follow next.

His weary eyes focused back on the forgotten sock. He'd never looked for it. There were plenty of others that had replaced it. He would be the same.

Left, lying there on the floor, was only the evil of Akechi Goro, the monster that stole lives before he stole hearts.

May it remain abandoned and forgotten, never able to remind anyone of the life that could only take, uncaring and selfish to the last.

* * *

"Akechi?"

He hadn't heard that voice in a long time--at the very least a year. Maybe he was just hearing things, but wait-no, she appeared. Nijima Sae.

"Akechi?" She knelt down in front of him, her black pencil skirt riding up her thighs in the process.

He attempted to open his mouth to speak, but when he tried to respond, only a raspy sound came out, nothing intelligible.

"Don't tell me you've been lying here for four days?" She lifted him up into a sitting position, but  he had no strength to keep himself upright, so the moment she began to let go, he fell over, planting his face into the vinyl flooring of the apartment.

"Akechi?!"

He blacked out, waking the next day on the couch beside a woman with silver hair and a stern expression. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he recognized who she was, but instead of admitting it, he let himself sink inside the walls of his own mind, surfacing only to follow the simple commands she gave him.

"Drink this water."

He did.

"Swallow your food."

He did.

"Try to get some sleep."

He did.

He woke again with his words returned to him, and, of course, the first question he managed to voice was a complaint, "Why are you doing this?"

She sighed, looking significantly more drained than he'd ever seen her, that is, if his memory was serving him right. "I'm not entirely sure myself," she admitted honestly.

"You don't have to," his tone pleaded for her to just stop.

She smirked, crossing her legs in the stool she'd moved beside the couch, "Oh, I know that very well." When he said nothing else, she took the conversation from there, "I had always been annoyed by you, but I tolerated you because we were both black sheep in the department and we had a job to do. Of course, after I learned what you were responsible for, I hated you. I even offered to prosecute you myself . . . but then I saw you at the station. You were begging, _literally begging_ , to be taken in.” After a beat, she added, “I was there for the trial, too."

"I saw you," he remembered. Ren had been there, too, so that made it a good memory. Or wait, had it been bad? Impossible. He’d been there.

"Again, you begged to be believed, to be taken in, to be punished. I was even there when the verdict had been announced and you'd had your meltdown. I've known enough criminals to be able to see when they were genuinely guilty and when they felt genuine remorse. I couldn't hate you after that. I was certain that I was seeing you, who you actually were, for the first time. And you were . . . just a kid--a child-- _don't give me that look_."

Goro covered his face with his hands to hide _the look_ he was giving her; he no longer possessed the same control he once had over his expressions. He'd spent too long being transparent to gray eyes.

"I understood, after that, what Makoto had said about you. I understood, at least to some extent, why Amamiya-kun cared about you. I understood what had happened between you and Shido."

He kind of wished he cared.

Wishing you cared was kind of like caring, right?

Maybe there was hope for him yet?

"I need to testify to a crime," he said.

"Good," she smiled.

"You'll help me?" he blinked.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"Do you think he'll come back?" he asked.

"No, I don't." she replied.

"Nevermind then."

"I see you're still just a child."

"I don't care."

And he really didn't.

No, he determined, wishing you cared was not the same as actually caring.

"What was your plan before I got here? Were you just going to waste away? Die on the living room floor of your apartment so that Amamiya-kun could spend the rest of his life blaming himself for your death?" her eyes narrowed, but her voice didn't hold the same edge it once had. He wondered why.

No, he wished he wondered why.

That wasn't the same.

"At least I wouldn't be forgotten by him," he heard himself say.

After a long moment, she said evenly, each word holding a balanced weight in hopes that they would be driven home inside whatever was left of his mind, "You're not well."

"You think I don't know that?"

He wondered if she had seen the sock.

"Just go,” he looked toward the window, away from her, “I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"Makoto has expressed on more than one occasion that she wished things were different."

The opinion had not been requested, but Goro took it anyway, and translated it as he saw fit, “Well, she got her wish; they all got their wish. Ren and I are not dating anymore. I'm sure his life will be significantly better without me in it."

"She never said that actually. She wished, instead, that you two were better friends."

He turned back to look at her, tone incredulous, "What? We're not friends at all."

"She doesn't see it that way.”

He appreciated that Sae spoke to him in a tone that was quite pragmatic, but that didn’t keep Goro from sighing before looking back out the window, “You're involved now, is that it? The only way to get you to leave is for you to have a clear conscience when you walk out of here."

"I'll admit that's part of it, but it is by no means my sole motivation.” He would have seen her shrug had he been looking.

"I need Ren," he admitted flatly.

"Okay, we can work with that," she nodded, and this time, he’d turned to see.

He scowled at her small, hopeful smile that appeared to look entirely out of place on her face "You just said earlier that you don't think he'll come back," he pointed out.

"He won't--not at this point.” she crossed her arms, “You need to change, Akechi. You need to become a better-no a _healthier_ person. He cares for you, but with the way you are now, he made the right choice, honestly. The relationship the two of you shared, if my sources are correct, just wasn't sustainable." When he said nothing in response, she took it to mean full compliance. "First, we'll start with your eating habits."

"I eat."

So, she was wrong.

"Akechi . . . I'm not a doctor, but you look . . . sick. Are you-?"

No one had directly said that to him, not even Ren. "I'm not." Maybe Ren had never noticed. Goro had, at one point, but he had stopped caring a long time ago. Ren never complained, the issue never came up, so he didn't bother to make any kind of effort.

Sae, however, did not let the issue drop there, "Makoto told me you had lost a lot of weight when she'd seen you _a year ago_ and had never mentioned it again. How long has this been going on?"

"I eat," he said, thereby admitting that he likely didn't, at least, not to the extent that he should have.

"Hmm, you were always stubborn," she replied, her eyes thoughtful as she reflected on the past.

"You really should go."

He felt like her presence was nothing more than a physical manifestation of a past he'd long forgotten, well, mostly forgotten.

"Amamiya-kun gave me his key."

Goro let the words hang in the air, doing his best not to breathe them into his lunges and agonize over what they meant. He looked back out the window, still alive and therefore doomed to fail in such an effort, " . . . Why? Does he think we're friends?"

"No," she said, almost reassuringly, "I asked for it."

That meant that there had been an opportunity for her to do so. What was Ren doing now without him? Finally returning to his friends? Now that he'd admitted that Goro was holding him back, the single most suffocating fear Goro had suffered in the last two years, he was free to live his life happily without him. Revive old friendships. Reignite old flames. Goro didn't have a place anymore. He'd built his home inside Ren's ribcage but Ren had coughed him out, hacking out his skin and bones and leaving him to stain their living room floor with his corpse.

"Are you operating out of pity?" he finally asked her.

"Partially," she admitted, "However, it's more selfish than that."

""Please leave."

"Akechi, I'm not leaving."

He searched his mind for the right words to say, the right tactics to use, the best method to be rid of Nijima Sae. Could he appeal to her sense of justice? She'd already spoken of her feelings to that end. Could he use her sister against her? She'd already mentioned what her sister seemed to think of him. Then what?

She stood up, her arms still crossed as she walked around the room in her bare feet, "What do you do here every day?"

"Wait for Ren."

"Before he left?"

"Wait for Ren."

Sae preserved, tenacious to an absolute fault, especially in this case in which she was dealing with someone who'd already lost hope itself. After a long silence passed between them as Goro lost himself in the clouds he could see from the window and Sae lost herself in the framed photos of a once happy couple, she finally spoke again, "I'm not letting you out of my sight, Akechi."

"I don't want you here," he replied, tired and honest and at a loss of what else he could attempt at this point. He sat up too fast and held his head, feeling dizzy.

Sae set one of the framed photos down on a bookshelf and turned to look at him, a heap of bones and blankets and betrayal. "I called in vacation time last night. I have quite a bit I can use. Told them it was a family emergency."

"I'm not your family!" Akechi snapped, instantly regretting it as a headache erupted in the front of his mind. He put his palms on his forehead, bowing his head to hide his weakness.

"You're not going to get rid of me, Akechi," Sae snapped back, her words clipped and sharp enough to do more damage to his deflated ego.

"What is this? Are you feeling lonely because your sister moved out?! I don't want your pity, and I'm not a charity case! Get out!" he nearly fell from the couch as he screamed, all of his strength going into his tantrum. If he were as unpleasant as possible, surely she would leave?

She watched him as he struggled with the pain in his head, crossed her arms, and glared, "Are you finished?"

"You should hate me," he shook his head, refusing to look at her, hands covering his face once more. He couldn't even be called a shadow of the person he once was. At this point, he wasn't even the same shape or even the same silhouette.

"I don't hate you. I can't hate you," her voice softened considerably and she walked back to the chair and sat down, careful and slow, watching him all the while in case he lashed out once more.

"You should want me dead," he whispered, his words barely audible even with Sae so close.

"No one wants you dead but yourself," she said quietly, under her breath, as if he wasn't supposed to have heard it.

"That's not true. It's not true."

But he was crying, the tears falling past the cover of his hands and down his neck and onto the blankets. His body trembled, and as the tears fell, he only took quiet, shuddering breaths as if he'd trained himself to maintain silence in despair.

She'd never seen him cry, and, as he did, she couldn’t help but parse the meaning behind his silent tears. She moved from the stool to the couch and pulled him closer as he trembled. He told her the names first, listing them off by memory. Then, he reviewed the names and assigned to them the damage he’d done: death, handicaps, traumas. He’d never atone for what he’d done in the past; it had always been impossible. But, that didn’t mean he would forget. In fact, he researched every one of them to see what damage his presence, however brief in their lives, had done and how it bred inside him a new sick obsession with the punishment he deserved.

Truly, he loved anything that could fuel his own arguments of self-hatred, so he kept sharing in hopes that she would realize that her efforts were pointless and his fate, sealed.

* * *

 

A week later they went to the station. Together.


	6. watch &burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly a year later . . . Billie has grown so much! What a beautiful girl!  
> This chapter is based off of [Watch](https://youtu.be/9dobJDxPEzM) and [&Burn](https://youtu.be/BbQlBOHwZz8), though it was Watch that was on repeat while writing. This is a little crazy but . . . fire.

The trial never happened. Goro thought for sure this time he'd receive his just desserts, but the scum Ren had associated with refused to press charges entirely leaving his sweet tooth unsatisfied. The only thing that resulted from Akechi coming forward with his crime was the scum actually apologizing to Akechi of all people-- likely more out of fear than anything else. But regardless, it did little to help Ren’s words sink in.

After all, anything Akechi did was to support Ren, right? He owed everything to him, so he’d give him anything, and he had, right? What he’d done had been entirely in Ren’s best interests and the so-called victim actually appeared regretful and was at least frightened enough to refrain from trying anything again.

Either way, his plea for just punishment once again went unanswered. And, needless to say, it didn’t bring Ren.

Trying got him as far as surviving. Without Ren, he realized just how much his world revolved around him. So, after two weeks of trying, he regressed entirely. Having nothing else to do, he began to follow Ren, blending in seamlessly with the masses of Tokyo, the college students, and even the nobodies of Yongenjaya. It was bizarre that at one point in time, he couldn’t go from one end of a station to the other without being stopped because someone recognized him. Now, he could swim through the stations, streets, and trains alike without a single word or even look of recognition anywhere.

He didn't contact Ren, and Ren didn't contact him. Perhaps it was all for the best; it made following him easier.

He didn't like that Ren seemed fine--unaffected, no, better than that--happier? Maybe he was imagining it, but Goro watched as Ren laughed openly with the people at school, focused during his studies at the school library, and even smiled at his phone as he boarded the train from Yongenjaya in the morning to head to campus.

Goro watched as Ren met up with the Phantom Thieves, all separately, though. All of them, without fail,  hugged him as if he’d just returned home from some terrible nightmare. They listened to him and nodded, all so attentive as he likely recounted how he fought with the demon that had captured him, chained him and imprisoned him.  Ann and Futaba even teared up as he likely recounted the final battle in which he’d finally overcome the illusion and captured freedom.

Goro watched as Ren met up with other people of various ages he'd fallen out of touch with that Goro didn't know personally but had seen before from back then. They'd all greet him with the same measured enthusiasm as if they were friends, family, or people close enough to him that he'd actually tell Goro about them.

He wondered why he never did.

Was it because Goro never asked?

Goro hadn’t noticed he’d been grinding his teeth the whole time the scenes played out in front of him until he’d get home and decided not to eat due to the pain in his teeth and jaw. Sae would never know he disposed of it in trash so long as she saw a clean, empty plate. Yeah, she still regularly checked-in on him, which sucked, because it was entirely unnecessary and just made him irritable and impatient.

Planted on the couch they used to share, Akechi realised that the stalking had just lead him to the truth: Ren really was happier without him. Akechi really had been a parasite. All this time, he'd been killing Ren just by being around him.

Ren hadn't needed him. He'd never needed him. He'd been so wrong.

Goro was the only one in love. Maybe Ren had been in love once, but he wasn't anymore. Not anymore.

* * *

When Goro came home from a long day of following Ren from Yongenjaya to work, work to school, school to an early dinner with a politician that was in and out of popularity, early dinner to second dinner with the younger Niijima sister, and second dinner back to Yongenjaya, he hadn’t expected to walk into his apartment and be hit by the smell of grilled fish and miso soup.

It was the first time Sae had come to “check-in” with him unannounced, and it immediately put him in a bad mood. Asking why she was there was pointless; he knew the answer. He knew what she was doing, too, though he had no idea why she was so obsessed with the idea that he didn’t eat enough. He had three apples today, practically a whole cat in Japanese terms, so if she was going to force him to eat more, than she’d have another thing coming. Instead of confronting her, however, he slipped off his shoes, dropped his bag on the couch, and curled up in the corner, holding a pillow that still faintly smelled of Ren if he squeezed it hard and buried his nose in deep.

“We’re eating at the table,” she told him.

“I’m not hungry,” he replied, bored.

Sae said nothing but placed the food out: rice, salmon, miso soup with tofu, and even a small salad. She outdid herself. Without a word, she began eating, her eyes on her food, then Akechi, then her phone, and back to Akechi, and then her food again.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re stalking Amamiya-kun.”

“What?” he tried not to show his guilt on his face, but lying took more energy that it used to now.

“Makoto saw you today," Speaking stoically and ignoring his response, Sae was looking at her phone still as she continued, "She had dinner with him, and she saw you on the street before they went inside.”

“I was on Central Street in Shibuya," he let go of the pillow and sat it beside him on the couch, "Big deal. I went to the pharmacy there.”

Sae finally looked up from her phone and made it a point to turn it over and give him her full attention, “She saw you standing in the same spot when they left an hour later.”

“Fuck."

“You underestimate her,” Sae picked up her chopsticks and had the gall to smile smugly at him, her pride in her little sister obnoxiously apparent.

“Did she tell Ren?”

“She said she only told me.”

“Oh.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing? You told me you were looking for a job during the day.”

Goro said nothing.

“You’re literally stalking him.”

“So what if I am?”

“It needs to stop.”

“Stay out of it. I’m leaving the house, aren’t I?”

“Quite the low bar you’ve set for yourself there.” It wasn’t mean, but she was clearly not one to put up with his bullshit.

“But I get to see him. And he’s happy. And I hate him so much for moving on so quickly, but I’m so happy he can, that he’s not suffering like me because he doesn’t deserve it. I just want-- I want him-- I--” He cut himself off. He wasn’t sure how to finish his sentence because he truly just wanted him back, but then Ren would just end up unhappy again. As things stood, he was no good for him. He could understand that much.

Sae breathed in and exhaled slowly.

“You have to understand that you are two separate people living two separate lives.”

Is that what Sae thought? Did she not understand what Goro was? “But I’m not. Maybe he is but I . . .”

“What is it?”

From the couch, he caught her eyes, “I’m a parasite. I can’t live without him.”

* * *

Needless to say, the stalking continued. And, over time, Goro began to see patterns emerge, particularly with a man from Ren’s Economics class. They walked to class together, studied together, and had even gone out for coffee.

_Twice._

And, sure, maybe there’d been a girl and maybe textbooks had been involved, but it didn’t take a degree to notice that the man always sat next to Ren, took every chance to initiate contact with him, and definitely, most _certainly_ , checked out his ass as he walked away _every damn time_.

Ren smiled the same charming smile he gave everyone, but even _that_ , even that grated on Goro’s nerves. They ended up at restaurants Goro knew Ren didn’t like. And they’d gone to a concert for music he knew Ren hated. And, fuck, the guy smoked. He _smoked_ , and Ren never once fanned the fumes away or appeared to be bothered by the stench at all. Lies. All of it had to be lies.

Either Ren was miserable with this person and Goro needed to save him from him, or-- Well.

Ren was welcome to be as happy as he liked as long as he wasn’t replacing Goro. And, even if they’d gone on over a dozen group outings by this point, Goro was convinced the college boy trash was doing everything he could to steal Ren away.

Goro didn’t think he could stomach that, couldn’t handle that, couldn’t _live_ with that.

If this really was some kind of budding romance, he needed to kill it quickly.

_Shuichi Takagi._

He only needed a name.

And, Ren never had to know.

Accidents happen.

So, when he’d overheard the plans they’d made to visit outlets outside of Tokyo together, he figured he’d go along. He’d be at an advantage if they were in an unfamiliar space, and outlets were large, so he could separate the trash easily from the party.

 

And that’s how he’d ended up here, in a parking lot that made no sense as it spanned concrete across the unfamiliar, wide-open spaces the outlet mall inhabited. Takagi had driven the five people, including Ren, there, choosing to park a distance away as if to keep the car from interacting with other parked cars, so with that, Goro pieced together a perfect scenario.  

First, he’d need gasoline.

Then, all he had to do was bump into Takagi on his way to the bathroom and steal his lighter or his smokes, either way. He could play pick-pocket just as well as any other thief.

Finally, inevitably, Takagi would travel back to the car on his own, and just as he was leaning in to find the means to feed his addiction, Goro would only need light a match.

Flames would fix Ren’s problem.

"Goro!"

He felt arms on his shoulders only briefly before he was pushed to the cement.

As he sat up slowly, he felt the heat on his face from his proximity to the car.

Ren was bent over a body on the ground several meters away from him and the car, shouting something incomprehensible.

Ren was so beautiful under the light of the dimly lit stars. This far from the city, they speckled the sky just over a blazing inferno.

“Goro!” He watched Ren run towards him.

He didn't move. He just watched the flames rise up into the sky. Without even caring that he had been caught, he stood his ground to watch the flames of his desires burn brightly against the black sky. Frightening and beautiful at the same time, the fire roared as it ate away at the car. If it kept growing, it would swallow him, too.

Maybe it was for the best.

"Goro! You did this?"

Goro nodded, eyes wide. How long had it been since Ren had looked at him?

Ren pulled him up and away from the heat, and Goro followed along, dazed. "Why?! Why would you do this? What did you stand to gain from something like this?!"

Ren was looking at him, touching him. A chill ran through him, and he smiled. It meant Ren cared, right? Even if Ren's expression was off, and he looked more horrified than anything else, it was because he cared, right?

"Goro? Goro, please--" he felt arms around him and all he could smell was Ren. So perfect. "Goro, you--" His words seemed to catch in his throat as their eyes met. He pulled out of the embrace and created distance between them

Goro felt instantly cold, and with the drop in temperature from the cold air and the lacking body heat, he registered a response, “He wasn’t good for you.”

“What?”

Goro watched Ren’s face contort, but his own remained calm content, even, “You weren’t happy.”

“Shuichi?”

 _First-name basis?!_ Goro looked down at his hands. Was he on fire, too, or just angry?

“Goro, he’s a classmate-he-- You,” Ren’s eyes went wide once more, the realization of what had happened washing over him, “You nearly killed him. You--”

“He’s not good for you,” Goro reiterated. “He smokes and likes shit music-- not to mention he isn’t anywhere near attractive enough to--”

“You don’t get to make that decision. And Goro, he and I are not-- Anyway, this-- I can’t believe this.”

Goro smiled at him, complete bliss written in his eyes. They were talking. After two months, they were finally having a conversation again. It was wonderful that Ren would talk to him, look at him, even. It felt so good to be acknowledged.

Ren pulled him close suddenly, without warning, and held him gently, pulling his head forward to kiss him on his forehead gently.

Goro kept smiling at him. "You still love me?"

Goro noticed he looked so sad then, but he couldn’t place why. He’d taken care of Ren’s problem. And they’d been reunited. "Do I--" Ren pulled away, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets and looking away, back at the inferno, before looking back at him, "Of course I still love you, but Goro, that isn't enough. Love isn't enough. It's not enough."

“Why?”

“I couldn’t make you well. I couldn’t help you get better. I couldn’t change you.”

“But I’m fine.” Goro smiled for him.

“You’re not.” Ren barely whispered.

“Is it the eating thing? Sae feeds me now. I’ve eaten everything. I gained weight.”

“You’re lying.”

Goro narrowed his eyes, offended by Ren’s response, “I’m not.”

“Goro, when did you last look in the mirror? Your clothes. They--”

“I’m fine!” He yelled, “You can come back!”

“You’re not fine!” Ren screamed back.

Goro shook his head, disbelief in every word, “But  . . . but you love me.”

The anger evaporated with the heat from the flames, and Ren’s face fell once more. “You don’t listen to anything I say. And you don’t . . . learn.”

Goro preferred Ren’s anger over his despair, but he tried to listen anyway, tried to piece together what may have gone wrong. He noticed Takagi sitting up, shaken and coughing but free of blood. “That trash is fine.”

“But he almost wasn’t.” Ren spoke softly, “ . . . You could have killed him.”

So?

He wasn’t benefiting Ren, not really, because Ren didn’t like--

“Please leave,” he requested with the same finality Goro had heard two months ago.  

Goro nodded and walked away as the sirens blared in the direction of the flames.

 

In the mirror, Goro saw the parasite that couldn’t get well or better.

_‘I couldn’t change you.’_

That’s what he needed, right? For someone to change him? If he couldn’t do it himself, he’d have to ask someone else to do it for him.

Maybe if he was someone else, someone better, someone who listened, someone who learned, then maybe, maybe Ren would love him again.

If the justice system would not correct what was wrong with him, he’d have to enlist the help of a different sort of prison.


	7. bored

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is [bored](https://youtu.be/cnGW8NR-toE). The lyrics are nice, but it's the apathetic tone that I really connected to.
> 
> Please do not take anything in this chapter as representative of Japanese psychiatric care. I did a bunch of research, but I used almost none of it here(/hides), so if you wanna chat about it, cool, but take everything in this chapter with a grain of salt.

No way out but down.

“Just sign these papers.” The doctor in white slid the papers over and pointed to the signature and hanko stamp space at the bottom of the page.

“And I can check myself out?” he asked, watching the doctor as he turned through the stack of papers that could be labeled as a  _ packet _ before setting them down again to indicate another signature line.

“Yes, if our staff determines you are no longer a harm to yourself or others.”

He signed on the line and stamped beside it everytime. His name, in red ink, foretold his future in crooked kanji. He would be here for as long as it took.

He would be  _ changed _ .

Like Ren wanted.

Another doctor in white, though much younger, walked in, and the first gestured to him, “Haneda-sensei will take you on a tour of the facility and show you to your room.”

Akechi nodded and stood up only for another doctor, presumably Haneda,  to come in and hand something to the first. 

“Here you are,” he held a plastic strip open in his hands, and Goro stared at it. “Your wrist.”

A bracelet?

Obediently, Goro put his wrist on top of it, and the doctor adjusted it and snapped it shut. 

As Goro turned it over to see the paper, sticker label, the doctor offered one last detail, “According to your program, you will be required to eat your food in the cafeteria. You’ll receive counseling four to five times a week and you’ll be required to  . . . . “

He nodded, no longer listening. He read the bracelet.

 

_ Akechi Goro, Male, 21 _

_ Anorexia, Depression, Generalized Anxiety, Suicidal, Violent Tendencies _

_ Restricted Curfew, Supervised Meals, Supervised Bathing _

_ Allergies: None _

 

He read it over again.

Strange. 

He wasn’t anorexic. Where did they get that idea? And ‘ _ Generalized Anxiety’ _ ? What did that even mean? He was the picture of calm. And he wasn’t suicidal, either. He’d never even tried to commit suicide. He’d stopped  . . . well, functioning, that one time but that totally wasn’t his choice. He couldn’t have moved even if he wanted to.

“I don’t think this is right,” he interrupted the doctor, director as it were, and lifted his right wrist up so that the bracelet could be read. “I’m not anorexic.”

He watched the two doctors exchange glances, having a full conversation with their eyes alone before the new one, Haneda, took over, “Akechi-san, the psychiatric disorders listed are based on the findings of the two days you’ve spent here thus far. You admitted yourself first for testing, and Kon-sensei, Murata-sensei, and myself agree that you require treatment here.”

“But not for anorexia,” Goro insisted, not understanding why they weren’t listening, “And I’m not suicidal. I’ve never tried to hurt myself.”

“We interviewed your emergency contact,” Kon-sensei, the older one, offered.

“Sae-san?” Akechi hadn’t told her his intention of coming here. He’d thought they’d only call her if he died or something. Where was the emergency?

“Niijima Sae, yes, that’s right.”

“She told you I’m suicidal?” he blinked, feeling betrayed, “With all due respect, doctor, I’m not. I never have been.”

“Akechi-san?” A third doctor, one with short, violet hair and round glasses, poked her head into the room, “Akechi-san, I’ve been waiting for you in Room 4.”

“Oh, Murata-sensei, thank you. The patient appears to have issues with the diagnoses. If you could . . .” The director, the one who’d gone over the paperwork with him, practically ushered them out of the room to leave Murata to handle his concerns.

“Murata-sensei,” he began as soon as Haneda handed her a clipboard and took off in another direction, “There’s been a mistake.”

“What’s that, Akechi-san?” she looked at him only briefly as she led him down the hallway to his room. He’d spoken with her more than anyone else at the facility thus far. She was the head psychiatrist, or so she’d said, and while he didn’t dislike her, the trust she’d earned in their short time together was all but shot now. She was the person responsible for the lies on his bracelet, after-all, which just made her a liar.

“I’m not anorexic or suicidal. I don’t even know what generalized anxiety is? That sounds like a catch-all diagnosis-- like bullshit.””

“Akechi-san, it’s not. We can discuss it tomorrow morning at ten, okay?” She opened the door and ushered him in to a room just over the size of a single tatami with a bed, a small desk with a chair, and open space enough sit cross-legged on the floor.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yes, I have other patients.”

“But I was promised a tour.”

“I’ll send someone. For now, try and get some sleep. Your chart says you didn’t sleep last night.”

“But--”

“Just anxious?”

She was trying to make a point, clearly, but it just made him angry, “That’s not fair.” Anyone would have trouble sleeping in an unfamiliar place.

“Akechi-san, the people who come here seeking help find it because they recognize their own needs and make efforts to get well. You’ve taken the first step in admitting yourself. From here, you have to trust us and work with us.”

“But--”

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

She shut the door. 

Goro walked over to the sealed window and pulled aside the white curtain to reveal a cloudy sky and another annex of the same building with rows of windows and pulled curtains.

He’d given them his phone, his wallet, his clothes-- everything.

All he had now was their uniform and their bracelet.

He read it again.

He shut the curtain. 

He laid down on the bed to find it was just a few centimeters too short.

He read it again.

_ You have to trust us. _

He didn’t trust anyone who said something like that.

And he wasn’t the best at working with others, either.

He read it again.

They were going to watch him eat and shower.

Nagging from Sae was better than this.

_ ‘I couldn’t change you.’ _

Curling his legs up to his chest, Goro shut his eyes tight and replayed every moment Ren had smiled at him as if each smile was another argument in favor of his self-imposed imprisonment. 

* * *

They’d put him on medication that would correct his brain. He’d been swallowing down the little pills for a month now, and he could already feel himself slipping away. The pain disappeared first. The itch under his skin and the pounding in his head became nothing but phantoms he recalled as easily as the demons he’d befriended. He missed it. He missed them. In its absence, he lost interest in effort. It became so easy to feel nothing at all without the pain.

There had been so much desperation before. So much anger. So much longing. So much. Too much.

And now, there was nothing. 

Whatever he may have recognized as joy before had now disappeared along with everything else. In every direction he saw white, and as the little pills collected in his brain, he felt white, too. A white, blinding death empty of desire or need.

He’d tried much too hard in the beginning before the little pills had laid down, like bricks, a home inside him. Murata-sensei had learned all about Robin Hood and Loki, the metaverse, and Yaldaboath. When they’d changed the sticker on his bracelet, he stopped mentioning it, though. 

“You’re pretty.” 

A thin woman who wore the same white uniform and matching bracelet as himself sat at the table across from him. He’d been reading his eleventh book from the hospital library. Reading was the best way to pass time. People watching had quickly become too depressing, especially when all he saw was himself staring back at him. Behind the cover of a book, he didn’t have to see anyone or interact with anyone. It had worked just over a month until this woman, small and frail, decided to interrupt him.

“ . . . Thanks.”

Crazy people lived here. There was always the chance that the wrong words or the wrong look could set someone off. Surprisingly, he’d yet to find himself on anyone’s bad side, but he had a talent for it since he’d come back from the dead, so he did not test what little luck he had.

She moved the chair from across the table all the way beside him, and she leaned in behind his book to stare up at him with brown eyes, “Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.”

When he said nothing, she pointed to her wrist at her own white bracelet.

“I have no interest in seeing yours,” he might have said. Speaking outside of therapy sessions had become strange, and he licked his lips to realize they were chapped and split.

“Oh, you’re one of  _ those _ people,” she said accusingly, her black bangs falling too far over her eyes as she spoke.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She moved the hair from her face and shrugged, finally sitting up beside him, “One of those people. Anti-social? Sociopath?”

_ ‘You’re a sociopath!’ _

He closed his book. “Perhaps you’re not wrong,” he admitted.

She held out her wrist in front of him, and before reading the bracelet, he immediately noticed the several scars, red and swollen, down her wrist and up hr arms. Shouldn’t they have been covered? 

 

_ Michiko Makino, Female, 19 _

_ Anorexia, Bi-Polar, Suicidal, Insomnia _ _   
_ _ Restricted Curfew, Supervised Meals, Supervised Bathing, Periodic Wellness Check _ _   
_ __ Allergies: shellfish, ASA 

 

She pulled her wrist from her face. “Show me yours.”

“I never made a deal,” Goro shrugged.

“Please? It’s fun to know everyone’s tags,” she pressed, seemingly more curious than anything else.

“Tags?”

“Show me!”

He did, and she held his wrist and laughed. “Generalized Anxiety? Isn’t that, like, a baseline for everyone here?”

Her skin felt strange.

“I thought the same. It sounds like bullshit.”

“Violent Tendencies, though? You kill anyone, yet?” she laughed again, and he decided that he didn’t like her laughter much at all, so if she kept it up, he’d just ignore her.

‘ _ You murdered people! _ ’

“Yes, as a matter-of-fact, I have-- many people, actually.”

“But you wouldn’t kill anyone in here, right?” she asked, her stringy hair falling back and forth across her shoulders as she moved.

“So far, that appears to be the case.”

“And Delusional Disorder? Maybe you just thought you killed people?” she wasn’t laughing anymore.

“I wish that were the case.”

“What did you do before you ended up here?”

_ ‘You turned me into a monster-- just like you!’ _

“Nothing.”

“Oh. I was an artist, but I had to stop because I can’t use my tools here.”

He didn’t care. Nor had he asked. He opened his book again.

“Are you the detective prince Akechi Goro?”

“No.” He imagined the little pills inside him as erasers, blurring out bad images from his memories.

“I remember reading an article that he died,” she said, her tone unchanged from the beginning.

“He did.”

“We should hold a funeral.”

“He didn't deserve one.”

“He saved my sister.”

“I’m sure he didn’t.” 

He blinked. Akechi Goro save someone? What was she saying? He closed the book again and looked at her more closely.

She was so small for her age. He would have thought her not a day over fifteen.

“He did,” she insisted with a smile as soon as she realized she had his attention, “Back in early 2015.  Sayuri Makino. She almost died.”

_ Sayuri Makino. _

“The kidnapping case?”

“That’s right.”

In the beginning, he rarely killed. Twenty-sixteen had been a trainwreck, literally and figuratively, but before that, he did solve some crimes when working with the police, and planting evidence had done the trick for a handful of Shido’s enemies.

“How is she now?”

“Dead. Her boyfriend killed her. Or, that’s what I think at least. Everyone else thinks it was suicide.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he replied automatically. What a waste. He saved her just so she could be killed years later?

_ ‘You’re a monster!’ _

He really did destroy everything he touched.

“Wait here.” She got up and disappeared, leaving Goro to wonder where else he would possibly go.

She returned a few minutes later with origami paper, and while he read, almost entirely ignoring her, she folded paper into paper flowers until she had enough for a bouquet.

“Is this your art?” he asked from behind his book as she fastened the last folded paper to the bouquet.

“No, it’s a bouquet for the dead. Come outside.” She touched his wrist again, and once more, the her skin felt strange. The last person to touch him had been doctor Murata, and before that, Ren. Wasn’t it weird? Skin felt so strange.

“For the funeral,” she said when he didn’t move. She tugged, and he soundlessly followed her outside.

In the dirt by one of the only two trees in the small yard, she dug a hole with her hands while he watched she tossed in the bouquet, stood up, and took his hand this time. 

Her dirty hand felt better than her clean one had.

“We gather here to remember the executioner of crime, the defender of justice, the detective prince, Akechi Goro.”

What was happening?

“He laid waste to criminals and protected the innocent all while maintaining his social media accounts with consistent updates of selfies and sweets.”

Was he understanding this correctly?

He turned to look at her, and she turned her head to face him. “You were a fan?”

She only smiled before looking back at the paper bouquet in the hole in the ground, “Oh, how did he die?”

How did he die?

How had he died?

He hadn’t been a martyr. He’d tried, but he’d failed at that, too, on top of everything else. He closed his eyes and saw Ren shooting him in the face. Then, he imagined Ren splitting the skin of his neck open with a dagger. Next, he envisioned Ren holding his hands around his neck to squeeze tighter and tighter and tighter until it snapped and his body went still.

“He died like his mother and father before him. He killed himself.”

“Ah, that’s too bad, but what’s done is done.”

“Yeah.”

What’s done is done.

“Thank you, Akechi Goro, for giving me four more years with my sister. I’m grateful, even if the time felt too short.” The yard was quiet, until she pulled on his arm lightly, “Any words for him?”

_ ‘I’m done.’ _

What could he say to Akechi Goro now?

_ ‘Please leave.’ _

“The world is better off without you, so thank you, . . . for dying.”

She dropped his hand and knelt back down to cover the hole, packing the dirt with her dirty hands.

When she stood up again, she smiled at him, “Now that he’s dead, who are you?”

* * *

After six months, Sae visited. Beyond two previously unannounced visitors, he hadn’t had any contact to the world outside the facility he lived inside, but after a while, he forgot about the necessity of social media or the news cycle or stalking Ren, desperate to know what his every experience was. Needless to say, he never expected a visitor, or a third one for that matter, so when he was called to the visiting room and he saw her seated at a table with her purse beside her and what looked like a to-go box beside that, he felt a hint of surprise.

“Hello,” she greeted him as he sat down.

“Sae-san,” he studied her a moment before stretching and covering his bracelet with his left hand. He was supposed to be angry with her, but he didn’t feel anything at all. “I missed your nagging.”

“There must be something wrong with me because that’s almost endearing.” she smirked.

He tried smiling back, but he didn’t look in the mirror much at all anymore, so he wasn’t sure if it was convincing or not.

“Akechi, is it getting better?”

_ ‘And you don’t . . . learn.’ _

“Which part, Sae-san?”

She didn’t reply for a moment, and he watched her look away before commenting, “You’re eating more.”

“I don’t have a choice,” he sniffled at the memory. “They used the tube once. I didn’t know, until then, that it goes through the nose.”

She looked wholly unprepared for the comment, but her career choice taught her to cover her emotions quickly, so she blinked the shock away.

“Anyway, it was only once.” The implications were clear enough. He never gave them reason again to do so a second time.

“I brought those pancakes form the place you like.” She pushed them to his side, and he felt guilty accepting them, mumbling a quiet ‘ _ thank you _ ’ as he took the box to place in his lap. She kept talking, “I’ll take you to Midori in Ikebukuro when you get out,” she promised.

He’d heard good things about it. It was the kind of conveyor-belt sushi people waited two hours for. “That’s a step up from Kula.”

“A big step,” her tone dropped, a subtle threat in the shift. He understood it to be playful.

Still, it was the tone of voice he’d become accustomed to before, harsh and stern, serious and uncompromising. “I’ll take it.” When she sounded kind, it made him feel uncomfortable. She seemed to care, but he wasn’t prepared for that. And he wasn’t prepared to care, either. Maybe the absence of others did make the heart fonder? He thought of his mother and father.

Maybe not.

“Have you had other visitors?” she asked, neutral.

“Your sister.”

“She didn’t tell me.”

“It didn’t go well,” he shrugged, feeling small for reasons he didn’t understand.

He felt her glare, and slowly determined that it was accusatory.

“She’s too strong now. I was the one who ended up in tears,” he replied apathetically.

“She’s extraordinary.”

“No more than you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It’s in the eye of the beholder.”

That made her smile, and something inside him chipped at the buildup of little, white pills.

“Anyone else?”

“ . . . Sakura’s daughter,” he admitted slowly.

Sae shook her head, “You know their names.”

“Sakura’s daughter,” Goro insisted.

“You know that I know, don’t you?”

No, he didn’t know.

Shame. He hated shame. He’d recognized it at one point mixed in the white of the space he inhabited. It was in the brown of Michi’s muddied hands. It was in the red of the blood he’d spilled. It was the black shadow of a mental shutdown. Shame stood out against the white, and he knew it even better now than his friends hatred and anger and despair.

Shame was also the color of Futaba’s hair which was all he could see as she cried in his lap.

He heard Sae clear her throat and Goro remembered where he was.

“I didn’t know anyone did . . . ,” he admitted, clearly not happy about it, but not angry, either, “ . . . aside from me and her. The dead don’t speak.”

Sae laced her fingers on the table top. “I know since I worked the case. Makoto knows. To my knowledge, she hasn’t told anyone, though. What did Sakura-chan tell you?”

“We didn’t talk much at all,” he replied, seeing the pretty red-orange strands like a curtain beneath his vision.

“What happened?”

“She was allowed into my room, since she, since--” he couldn’t say it but he knew Sae would understand, so he went on, “She came in looking angry, but then she sat on the bed, and she hugged me and cried.”

“I see.”

He didn’t, at least, not clearly. He couldn’t remember when he had last.

“She must care about you.”

“I’m not worth that. Besides, she already has a brother.”

“She wants you,” Sae’s tone had shifted to feather light kindness, and it made him shrink away.

“ . . . I can’t help her.”

As if reading his mind, she changed the subject, “How long do you intend to stay here?”

_ ‘What is wrong with you?!’ _

He didn’t know how to answer for a long time, but Sae, she was patient, and it made him think that at least one of them had changed, if even in just a small way. After a few minutes of silence, he replied, “Love isn’t enough. He said that. But . . .”

_ ‘What the hell is wrong with you?!’ _

“But?”

_ ‘I couldn’t change you.’ _

“It’s why I’m here.”

“That’s fine,” she straightened her back and pulled her phone to check the time before putting it back in her purse.

“I think I’m scared,” but he didn’t sound sure. “Everything here gives me deja vu. I lose track of time. I don’t understand a lot of things, and I lose . . .” He wasn’t sure how to describe it. Had he become worse at articulating himself as well or was it only because it was something personal? “--but I can’t stop feeling this way . . . towards him,” he confessed.

She nodded, “I’ve never felt the way you do now . . . about anyone. I’m certain I’ve never felt hopeless enough to place my future in someone else’s grasp.”

“It’s unfair to him,” Goro had realized.

“A lot about your life has been unfair,” Sae offered.

“I don’t want that to define me, though. I’m here now because I want to be better for him.”

“For him?”

“Yes.”

“What about for yourself?”

Goro shrugged. “I have no interest in that.” In Michi’s eyes, he was already dead. He kind of liked the idea that at least to one person, he had no past.

“You said the same thing eight months ago. . . . I’ll visit again.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I will.”

He nodded and took the box of food back to his room to share with Michi later.

* * *

Days. Weeks. Months.

He read books and talked with Murata-sensei about everything but the truth.

And, to Michi, he was someone else, and they both benefited from that.

 

But, it didn’t last.

He had been the one to find her. 

“Not everyone wants to get better,” Murata-sensei had said.

At this point, he couldn’t come up with an argument otherwise.

 

So he went back to being alone.

And, maybe it was better. 

He couldn’t remember his mother’s voice anymore.

He couldn’t even remember the names of the deaths, handicaps, traumas.

 

He wondered if Ren was happy.

And, this time, he honestly hoped Ren was even if he wasn’t the person to make him so.

* * *

“Hello, Akechi.”

“Sae,” he nodded, not unkindly or indifferently, but without the same warmth that she’d used in addressing him.

“You look better.”

He knew that if it was coming from her, it was honest. “Thanks.” He didn’t even hide his bracelet anymore.

“How are you feeling?”

He wasn’t sure he was feeling anything anymore.

Which was good.

Which was better.

Which was  _ changed _ , right?

Her default serious expression didn’t even budge. “I heard about Makino-san.”

There’d been a lot of blood. It really is so different when the blood belongs to someone you cared about. He could remember her voice, but not his mother’s. One day, Michi’s voice would be forgotten, too.

He finally looked up, unsure of what amount of time had passed. “It was a mistake.”

“What was?”

“Thinking I could befriend someone. That I’d mean anything good for anyone.” He read so much, but words always slipped away when he most needed them.

Sae looked sadly at empty space on the table before meeting his eyes, “The doctors said the two of you were very happy together-- that you two were friends.”

He shrugged. 

Maybe they were?

_ ‘Ah, that’s too bad, but what’s done is done.’ _

He picked at the dirt beneath his nails. “I’m not so narcissistic that I think I was the reason for what she did, but, I didn’t help.”

“But you tried, didn’t you?”

_ ‘I’m grateful, even if the time felt too short.’ _

He didn’t know he had been crying until he felt her beside him, pulling him open to embrace him. He complied without a sound. No one had embraced him since Futaba, and before that, Ren, and before that, his mother.

He knew he didn’t deserve Sae, but no color inside her was shame, and that was something special about her. Maybe, in some other world, they could have made good partners or siblings. In this one, they were--

“Sae?” he pulled away, wiping his face after he’d calmed down.

She let go, putting her hands in her lap, but she didn’t move her chair away.

“What about you?”

She blinked, looking surprised, “What about me?”

“How are you?”

Her eyes still wider than usual, Sae blushed brilliantly, pink coloring her cheeks in seconds, “What?”

He’d never seen her blush before, and without thought, he heard himself laugh, which thankfully helped her to recover. “You’ve never asked that,” she crossed her arms only to unfold them to suddenly fuss over the mess he’d made on her nice blouse.

“I’m asking now,” he almost smiled.

“Yes, and it just caught me off guard,” she avoided his eye contact.

“It’s strange?”

She took a deep breath and released it, finally looking at him again, “It is.”

“Well?”

Her blush returned slightly, “I’m fine, Akechi. I’m doing really well. I’m very proud of Makoto. She has almost finished school. I bought a condo I like very much. I’ve dated a few people. I’m getting better at cooking.” 

He hoped his smile looked okay. “I’m glad,” he, honestly meaning it, told her.

“Are you ready to leave?” she asked, now fully recovered.

“No, not yet.”

But, he’d thought about it, so that was something, wasn’t it?

“What’s keeping you?”

“Him.”

“You mean Amamiya?”

He nodded and went back to digging beneath his fingernails, “I can only be better if I let go of him.”

Goro had been here nearly a year, and yet, Ren was still all he could think about . . . when he could think.

“Let go?”

“If I stop loving him,” he corrected himself.

When Sae didn’t say anything, he turned to look at her and frowned, “I know what that look means. Just say it already.”

Completely neutral, she explained, “You can be well and still love him.” When his expression told her he didn’t understand, she continued, “There will be people in your life that you’ll go on loving long after they’ve left you. There will be people you love despite who they become or how they change. There will be a few, precious people, you’ll never forget. And that’s okay.”

Who was he talking to?

“I’ve been reading self-help books,” she commented.

“Bullshit.” It was out before he’d processed it, but, to his relief, it made her laugh, so he tried to do the same. “I’ll think about it . .  what you’ve said,” he promised.

“Good,” her smile returned, and he noticed that it didn’t make him uncomfortable to see her kindness. “You really do look much better, Akechi,” she tucked hair behind her ear, and said, with some finality, “I’m proud of you.”

His vision blurred once more, but she had a handkerchief at the ready this time, and as he covered his face and his shoulders shook, she carefully wiped at her own eyes. He noticed, but was too stunned to comment. Sae had a life outside of this building, but she’d come to visit him. She had Makoto, but here she was, sharing in his triumph after being there for him a year ago when he’d been trapped in the dark.

“I wish they would have convicted me,” he said after he’d calmed down and folded the handkerchief on the table, “Even with my freedom, I don’t know what to do with it. He should have been executed back then, his status as a juvenile be damned, but he knew Sae didn’t deserve to hear that right now.

She put the handkerchief in her purse and stood up, “ . . . All of us have that responsibility.”

“What?” he had to look up to see her expression, and the neutral, stern Sae had returned.

“Everyone must decide what their purpose is. You have to choose one that isn’t dependent on him. You have to make one for yourself. You’ve done more good than you think.” She moved the chair back to the opposite side of the table. “Makoto and I,” she went on, “at least, have benefited from knowing you. I’m sure Amamiya has, too. If you let Sakura-chan in, I’m sure she would as well.”

“Thank you, Sae. I wish I could agree with you.” He’d killed his little sister’s mother. Sae must have forgotten. She would never benefit from knowing him.

“You  _ have _ grown, Akechi,” she insisted.

“Thank you,” he replied, knowing she believed that but unable to believe it himself. “ . . . Do you think I’ve  _ changed _ ?”

She sat down again, lacing her fingers together on the table, “I’m not sure, but, Murata-sensei said you have.”

_ ‘And you don’t . . . learn.’ _

“But, what if I haven't?” he asked suddenly. “What if I relapse? What if I leave and I’m just who I was before I came here? What if this is all temporary? What if I do actually belong here? Forever?”

She leaned back in her chair and straightened her posture, “There’s only one way to know.”

“Yeah . . .”

“Are you ready to try?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kindness and comments!   
> I had to add an extra chapter because, well, the jump to chapter 4 probably doesn't make a lot of sense without something between 1 and 4. Thanks for your help!  
>  ~~Also, I felt like Goro needed a new perspective aside from Ren's and alllll of the people he doesn't quite trust, so Michi came and went quickly to teach him a lesson he may never actually internalize?~~

**Author's Note:**

> You can purchase Billie Eilish's album [here.](https://store.billieeilish.com/products/dont-smile-at-me-digital-ep)  
> If you want to read this in Chronological Order: Ch2pt1, Ch3pt1, Ch2pt2, Ch3V1-2, Ch5, Ch6, Ch7, Ch 8, Ch1, Ch 9, Ch4, Ch 10.
> 
> A big thank you to [linkito](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linkito/profile) for [this cute art](https://gottakechimall.tumblr.com/post/173529745567/a-quick-doodle-for-a-fic-i-love) of Ren and Kokoro-chan. Thank you for the support! /hearts


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